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Posted by on Aug 28, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Please Leave a Message’

Living Retired — ‘Please Leave a Message’

Living Retired — ‘Please Leave a Message’

By Gary Chalk

It all began awhile ago when I asked Jan to call me on our home phone.

“Gary, why would I call our home phone to talk with you when I am in our house, and you are standing right beside me?”

“Dear, I changed our voicemail message on our landline phone and I’d like you to listen to it.”

Jan shrugged, shook her shoulders, and called.

“Hi. You have reached Jan and Gary. Please listen carefully as many of our extensions have recently changed.”

That’s as far as Jan got. She slammed the receiver down mumbling something about, “Gary we don’t have any telephone extensions so for the life of me how can they change?”

I explained that it seems whenever I make a telephone call I get a recorded message that says their extensions have changed. “Jan, I am trying to make us sound like we are keeping up with the times when people call us. Callers expect to hear the extensions have changed.”

Back to the drawing board…

“Jan, I have recorded a different voicemail message. Maybe you will like this one better.”

When Jan called the telephone it went into voicemail. The message said, “We are experiencing a higher volume of calls. Please remain on the line.”

Sooner than Jan could say, “One ringy-dingy, two ringy-dingy’s,” I said, “Jan, I am trying to make us sound more current when people call our phone.”

“Gary, if you want to be current I’d start by tossing out that old torn Molson’s Beer sweatshirt you wear around the house. It’s a relic that needs to go.”

The truth of the matter is our landline phone is a relic. We have three — one in the kitchen, another in Jan’s office, and one more on my office desk.

Many of our friends no longer have their landline phones. They got rid of them at the same time they cut their cable service. I wondered how they like not having a landline phone so I decided to conduct a survey, by phone of course. First up I called Scott’s cellphone.

“Hi Scott. How is it working after you switched to using a cellphone? We are considering getting rid of our landline in our house.”

“Sorry Gary, my cellphone is cutting out. You said something about you found a landmine in your house. Jeez don’t call me! You’d better call 9-1-1!!!”

I called Greg’s cellphone. Before I could ask how he enjoyed his transition from a landline to a cellphone Greg interrupted me, “Gary, make it quick. My cellphone is just about out of power.”

Next, I called a neighbour. “Hi, Jan and I are thinking of strictly using a cellphone. Now that you don’t have your landline phone anymore how are you and Ann are making out?”

“Sorry Gary, I am trying to find the little button to turn up the volume on our cellphone. All I heard was you want to know how Ann and I are making out?” CLICK.

Hmm. I decided to take a survey of the number of calls we receive on our landline. The numbers were convincing: as few as maybe one call a week.

Hold the line!

Way too often Jan and I lose our cellphones. So, what do we do? We use the landline to call our cellphones, then run like the bejeebers to find where the ring is coming from.

Our bottom line is a landline.

Thank you for holding.


Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.


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