Living Retired — ‘Pipe Dream’
Living Retired — ‘Pipe Dream’
By Gary Chalk
Researchers have discovered that we dream for approximately 2 hours every night. And the typical dream lasts twenty minutes — which is the maximum time guys my age can go before we have to get up to pee again.
The other morning at breakfast I asked Jan about her dreams. “Gary, I have been dreaming for a couple years about replacing the backsplash tile in the kitchen, but I can’t convince you.”
“Jan, that is not a dream, that is a pipe dream! I am talking about dreaming when you’re sleeping?” This was a perfect setup for Jan, “Gary, how would I know if I dream when I am asleep?”
I cannot ever recall dreaming. So, when I had this dream a few nights ago I had to tell Jan.
I was attending the Stanley Cup hockey playoff game in Toronto with the Leafs against Tampa Bay. In the third period the Leafs goaltender was injured. For some reason they did not have a backup on the bench to come into the game. The public address announcer said, “Would the standby backup goalie in the arena please report to the Leafs dressing room.”
My dream continued…
During the stoppage in play, I made my way to the concession stand to get a $20 beer — this part isn’t a dream, it’s a nightmare! The concession stand was beside the Leafs dressing room. This is when it happened…
“Come on hurry up! They are waiting.” With that the Leafs trainer pulled me into the empty Leafs dressing room! Before I could say, “He shoots, he scores” I was stripping out of my civies, compression socks and all. The trainer was throwing goalie pads at me. Nothing fit: awkward goalie skates strapped to my feet, bulky shoulder pads. The trainer searched desperately for a Maple Leaf goalie shirt. No luck! A framed jersey on the dressing room wall would have to do. Together, we wrestled tugging the shirt overtop my pads.
I attempted to walk from the dressing room to the ice. Weighed down with all the equipment the mask slipping down my face, I looked like the Michelin Man dressed as an NHL goalie.
As I stepped onto the ice I tripped over my skates and sprawled headfirst out onto the rink. I slid flat on my stomach towards centre ice. My performance was captured on the massive Jumbotron screen. OMG!!! I looked up and saw a closeup of the back of my sweater with the name ‘Keon. 14.’ The sweater the trainer had put on me was that of Toronto Maple Leaf Hall of Fame hero Dave Keon! 20,000 Leaf fans think the standby backup goalie is their hero Dave Keon. They begin chanting KEON! KEON!! KEON!!!
Somehow, I managed to get up and walked on my skates to the Leafs net.
KEON! KEON!! KEON!! The Leaf faithful scream for their hero! KEON! KEON!! KEON!!!
Jan clearly wasn’t impressed with my dream. “Gary, do you want more toast?”
“But Jan don’t you want to know what happened next in my dream? I was in between the goal pipes so it was a pipe dream. Get it?”
“Gary, do you want whole wheat or pumpernickel?”
The referee dropped the puck. OMG! That is when I realized that I didn’t have a stick in my hands to stop the puck! The crowd is in a frenzy! KEON! KEON!! KEON!!!
And then, my dream became a nightmare. A one mile an hour slap shot bounced off my head! I was down on the ice, out cold!
Jan rolled her eyes in disbelief. “Gary, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Go ahead and get it over with. What happened then?”
“Dear, I don’t know because twenty minutes passed so I had to get up to pee.”
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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