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Posted by on Oct 4, 2021 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Living Retired — ‘PILLOW TALK’

Ever since I broke three ribs a month ago I have been taking an afternoon break — bad choice of words, but you know what I mean — resting on the sectional sofa in our family room. Sounds easy enough, but…

First, before I can lay down I have to unpack the collection of decorator pillows and handcrafted throws displayed on the sofa. This part is easy — I heave them into a mound on the floor.

Then, I have to get another set of pillows — the pillows I use when I sleep in our bedroom. It gets complicated but these pillows are hidden behind — you guessed it — another collection of decorator pillows and a matching handcrafted throw that we arrange on top of the decorator duvet each morning when we make the bed!

Are you with me so far?

Finally, back in the family room I prop my sleeping pillows in place and stretch out on the sofa. Ahh, it feels sooo good.

But yesterday when I got up Jan gave me some terrible news. Here is what happened…

I was standing facing the sectional sofa — up to my knees in decorator pillows and throws that need to be put back in order on the sofa — when Jan arrived.

“Gary, please arrange the decorator pillows properly. And these throws need to be drooped overtop the sofa, so they flow. Here watch how I do it.”

With that, Jan began arranging the eight decorator pillows into the corners of the sofa. Each pillow was placed ‘just right.’ Then, just like you see the designers do on HG-TV, using the edge of her hand — SMACK! — Jan whacked each pillow putting a designers crease in them.

SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! I did not know puffing pillows was a contact sport!

“Jan, did you ever do karate and break wooden planks? All this pillow smack means you must have Martha Stewart-like calluses.”

“Watch how I do this Dear,” she said. “This looks so much better than the haphazard mishmash you did.”

Then, Jan took the two throws and with an artful ‘flick!’ — she dramatically draped them overtop the back of the sofa. One in each corner.

“HUH? Jan I do not understand. These are decorator pillows and throws. You lay on them. You hurl them at the television when you watch football. They are not Waterford Crystal!”

That is when it happened. Just like many doctors tell patients their diagnosis, Jan blurt it out and gave me the terrible news…

“Gary, you are ‘Pillow Challenged.’”

I was gobsmacked! ‘Pillow Challenged.’

Hmm, I wondered. Is Pillow Challenged worse than other dreaded health issues men face — like having to climb over rows of fans in ballparks to go to the bathroom? Or, even worse: toe fungus!

I have more Pillow Challenged questions than answers. One thing I have learned is that a Pillow Challenged Support Group has been meeting for years. But here is the catch: it is for women who put up with guys like me. Jan is not alone.

My only wish is that when Jan broke the news to me that I was Pillow Challenged, it would have been nice if she could have softened the news. After all it is pillows.