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Posted by on Jan 1, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Pillow Fight’

Living Retired — ‘Pillow Fight’

Living Retired — ‘Pillow Fight’

By Gary Chalk.

When I was a kid my bedtime routine was changing into my pyjamas and going to bed listening to my transistor radio (if you’re under fifty look up transistor radio in Wikipedia.) However, between when Jan and I got married over forty years ago and one-night last week, things changed. Here is what I mean…

I put on my L.L. Bean cotton pyjama pants and pulled my Marvel Superman pyjama top over my head. I made sure my Sony Walkman with its headphones — hey I am a radio relic! — was beside the bed. Then my nightly bedtime routine continued: I began removing — okay I’ll be honest HURLING — all the friggin’ decorator pillows Jan arranges on top of the duvet when she makes the bed, onto the floor. I imagined I was General Norman Schwarzkopf in the Gulf War. Decorator pillows reined down like Scud missiles. BAM! One bounced off Jans nightstand. BOOM! Another glanced the armoire!

Jan came running in from the den. “Gary, I was watching The Voice and heard all the commotion going on. What on earth are you trying to do?”

“Isn’t it obvious Jan? I’m trying to go to bed. But first I have to dig through the decorator pillows!”

WELL!! You’d have thought I had declared war…

“Gary, I have told you before decorator pillows help turn a bedroom into a comfortable place to relax.”

“Jan, by the time I finally find the mattress under all these decorator pillows I am fit to be tied!”

Jan suggested instead of heaving the decorator pillows — in her words “willy-nilly” all over the bedroom — I should calm down and stack them over in the corner, out of the way.

“Jan, the stack of decorator pillows will be so high I could climb up and reach over to remove the cobwebs on the ceiling.”

Jan didn’t raise her voice. Instead, she returned to the den to watch The Voice.

The middle of the night…

I woke up to go to the bathroom. (Hey, I am a middle-aged man!). The bedroom was pitch black. This is when it happened…

BAM!! I slipped on the decorator pillows scattered ‘willy-nilly’ on the floor.

WHACK!! I smacked my head on the dresser!

Jan sat up in bed, startled. “Gary, what’s going on?”

“I tripped over the decorator pillows that I threw all over the floor when I went to bed. It’s like a war zone and I have to traipse through a landmine of decorator pillows.”

I hobbled to the bathroom. Jan rolled over and went back to sleep. But not for long….

A bloodcurdling scream from the bathroom. “YIKES!!!”

“Gary. Now, what’s wrong?”

“Jan, I didn’t turn the bathroom light on, so it is dark in here. It wasn’t until I sat down on the toilet that I realized you put the lid down. DO YOU HAVE ANY FRIGGIN’ IDEA HOW COLD THAT DAMN PLASTIC IS ON A MANS BARE BUM!!”

Jan tugged the blanket up over her head, trying to stifle her laugh.