Living Retired — ‘Party Pooper’
Living Retired – ‘Party Pooper’
By Gary Chalk
Full disclosure: The following may cause embarrassment. Your results may vary.
I received a very special invitation card in the mail recently. Not to a birthday party. Not to call for a comparison quote for our homeowner and automobile insurance. The invitation read, ‘You have been invited to a FIT.’
“Jan, do you know what a FIT is? It sounds like a gym membership. Whatever it is I have been invited. Lucky me.”
“Well dear, you have gained a few pounds over the winter. You should check into it. Just don’t get locked into a long term contract.”
“To be honest Gary the first thing I thought of was an Apple Fitbit.”
The more Jan thought about my invitation the more questions she had. “Gary, did the invitation mention that we have to bring something? Our friends like the hot crab dip I make. Or perhaps they would appreciate a dessert, maybe a molten chocolate cake with hot caramel sauce. Please ask when you RRSP.”
It turns out ‘FIT’ is the acronym for fecal immunochemical test. In other words, it is a poop test. Enough said. But wait. Since when did the healthcare service begin hiring marketers to design colourful invitations to convince us to screen our poop? What next? ‘New and Improved Lemon Scented Poop Tests?’ Or perhaps an exclusive invitation for a colonoscopy screening? Roll out the red carpet for that one!
I followed the instructions and called my doctors office. “Good morning. I received an invitation for a FIT. Is there a registry I can enroll where my friends can log in to see what gifts they can purchase for me? I’m thinking something from Black & Decker, perhaps a variable speed router would be appropriate.”
“Very funny Mr. Chalk. We will arrange for you to have the test sent to your home in the mail. The packaging will be very discreet.”
“That means the mailperson will think I am ordering those little blue pills. How about you package it in an envelope that say’s ‘FOR HOMEOWNER.’ They will think I am applying for a mail order bride. Isn’t that better?”
“Mr. Chalk we have no control over the packaging. We are more concerned about your feces than your vanity.”
I hung up and explained to Jan that FIT stands for fecal immunochemical test. “Dear, it is a poop test. So, forget about any hostess gifts – double ply toilet paper would be considerate, but certainly not your homemade high-fibre bran muffins.”
While waiting for my FIT to arrive in the mail, I looked at the invitation again. It read, ‘Same place, new test!’ The photograph was of a toilet with a roll of toilet paper. Material like this must make these ad agency execs the hit of the party!
Soon my FIT kit arrived. The instructions included seven steps: 1. Check the information on the label. 2. Write when I take my poop sample. 3. Pee & flush the toilet. 4. Prepare the toilet. 5. Collect my sample. 6. Flush the toilet. 7. Drop off or mail. That’s it. Seven steps to number two, so to speak. Easy-peezy. But not so fast Mr. Squatty Pot. Waiting for my poop test to be marked, I worried. Crap, what if my poop doesn’t stink, so to speak?
Soon enough my results arrived in the mail. A congratulatory letter signed by Dr. Linda Rabeneck a vice president at Ontario Health (Cancer Care Ontario), “I am pleased to tell you that your result is normal.”
Let the party begin!
A FIT test need not be the butt of a joke. All humour aside if you are reading Living Retired you are likely over 55. Caught early, 9 out of 10 people with colon cancer can be cured. Have you received your invitation? If not call your physician and say you want to party-hearty!
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
For more laughs visit www.LivingRetired.press
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