Living Retired — ‘Okay, So I Am Not A Rocket Scientist’
Living Retired – ‘Okay. So, I Am No Rocket Scientist’
By Gary Chalk
I learned something about myself last week. And it all began helping Jan spread the huge duvet overtop our bed.
“My gosh Gary, is that the best you can do? It looks like we slept in it.”
“Jan, I’m not trying to be picky but your choice of words ‘it looks like we slept in it’ isn’t what I think you meant to say.”
“Gary, what I am saying is it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make the bed!”
“Jan, what it does take is a guy with six-foot long arms to stretch out across all these decorator pillows scattered on the floor to reach the bed!”
I know I am no rocket scientist. My frustrated grade 9 science teacher described me as ‘my beaker was only half-full,’ so I am not a candidate for membership in the Mensa Society, but that’s not so bad. Just look at some of their members. Leonardo da Vinci was brilliant. He invented everything from flying machines to parachutes – but if he is so smart and came up with the flying machine why did he have to invent a parachute? Look at photographs of Albert Einstein: if he was so brilliant why didn’t he know when it was time to get a haircut! He looked like the 18th century version of Larry in ‘The Three Stooges.’
As the day went on, Jan’s words ‘it doesn’t take a rocket scientist’ stayed with me. It seemed every bit of communication directed my way reinforced that ‘my Bunsen burner was half-lit.’ Here is what I mean…
Shaving is simple, right? You apply some shaving cream on your face and remove it with a razer. That’s it. But the instructions on the label say, ‘Rinse after shaving.’ Do they think I am going out in public looking like I have streaks of Bic White-Out paper correction fluid all across my face! They even provide a 1-800 number for consumers to ‘Tell us what you think!’ I think I will call and tell them, “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist?”
I pulled my Jeep in to the self-serve pumps for a gas fill-up. The instructions on the pump say, ‘First, remove nozzle.’ DUH! The oil companies making billions of dollars figure that if drivers are stupid enough to fill-up at a $1.72 a litre, we also need to be told that nothing happens until you remove the nozzle from the pump! I know it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, but this one just put me over the moon!
For my salad at lunch, I opened a new bottle of sesame ginger vinaigrette dressing. The plastic security seal wrapped around the bottle top instructed me to, ‘Remove before pouring.’ Do they think I just fell off the turnip truck!
“Jan, I am trying to pour dressing on my salad, but nothing is coming out of the bottle.”
“Gary are you sure you aren’t holding the ketchup bottle? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.”
Then Jan suggested I add some croutons to my salad. “Gary, there are some fresh croutons in the pantry.”
“WHAT! Jan, croutons cannot be fresh. They are made from crusty stale bread. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.”
One more ‘it doesn’t take a rocket scientist.’ NASA has been blasting rockets into outer space for decades. So why on earth do they have to hire a highly-educated professional with an aeronautical degree to count backwards: “10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – …” My 7-year old granddaughter can count backwards from 200! Note to NASA: just press the damn button and scream “BLAST OFF!” It doesn’t take a rocket scientist.
‘Living Retired‘ is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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