Living Retired — ‘My Senior Moment’
Living Retired — ‘My Senior Moment’
By Gary Chalk.
As baby boomers age, we tend to become forgetful.
“Jan, have you seen my car keys? I have looked everywhere.”
“Sorry, Gary I am looking for my glasses. Let me know if in your travels looking for your car keys if you see my glasses.”
“Oh. Maybe that is why I can’t find my keys. First, I should look for my glasses so I can see my keys.”
Missing everyday items are examples of ‘senior moments.’ These days my senior moments seem to happen as frequently as I get up to pee during the night.
The experts who research senior moments — scientists with a government grant to study mice to see how often they misplace their iPhones — say senior moments take on a new meaning when we reach age 40. Truth be told, that was so long ago for me that I can’t remember.
I had a senior moment last week. It wasn’t any old senior moment like misplacing my wallet. It was a real doozy. Here is what happened…
My morning routine is the same, day in and day out. I stand at the bathroom sink. Half asleep I squirt toothpaste on my toothbrush. BUT this time when I put the toothbrush in my mouth, I damn near choked! What should normally have tasted like mint, had a medicinal taste. OMG!!! Instead of grabbing the toothpaste I accidentally picked up the tube of Voltaren Back & Muscle ointment. Yikes! My cuspids were coated!
I dashed out to tell Jan who was still in bed.
“Dear, I know this is hard to believe so you better lay down.”
“Gary, I am lying down. I’m in bed!”
“Dear when I brushed my teeth, I used Voltaren instead of Crest!”
Jan howled uncontrollably! All I heard her say as she made a beeline to the bathroom was, “Gary, I’m going to pee!” (I sooo bad wanted to mention not to trip over the decorator pillows scattered on the bedroom floor, but I decided to bite my tongue!)
What should I do? The Voltaren tube said it was meant for external use only and to keep it out of sight and reach of young children — hmmm, nothing about keeping it away from ‘mature men’ like me.
Should I call the poison centre? Or the manufacturer? That would be worse, way worse, than calling the Butterball Turkey Hotline on Christmas Day asking how to tell your wife that you forgot to remove the turkey from the freezer — and your company will arrive in an hour!
I imagined calling the head office of Voltaren…
“Hello. I am calling on behalf of a friend — IT ISN’T ME! He wants to know if, ahh, err, you have any suggestions for accidentally spreading Voltaren Back & Muscle on my, NO, HIS HIS toothbrush?”
(Pause.)
“Yes, I agree my friend is a few bricks short of a load. HAHA!”
(Pause.)
“What is that? You say now you have heard absolutely everything?”
(Pause.)
“Sorry please repeat that. I cannot hear you because of all the laughter in the background. Are you having an office party?”
(Pause.)
“You said you want to put me on your speaker phone for everyone to hear?”
I hung up the phone. Before you could say ‘Floss twice a day,’ I rinsed my mouth with Listerine Total Care mouthwash. WOW! Combining medicinal-like topical pain gel with fresh mint-flavoured mouthwash was, well, a brand-new taste sensation!
I brushed off my Voltaren mishap as a senior moment and went about my day — and began looking for my glasses.
Later that morning, I met up with a friend for coffee. I told Denis — not his real name because as you are about to read he swore me to secrecy! — about mistakenly brushing my teeth with Voltaren Back & Muscle ointment.
(Pause.)
“Well, you know Gary, I had a similar senior moment one time.” Denis fidgeted with his coffee cup mustering up the courage to tell me about his senior moment. Finally…
“Gary, instead of spreading toothpaste on my toothbrush, I, well, ahh, err, was not paying attention and picked up the tube of Anusol Hemorrhoidal ointment.”
I was gobsmacked!
What do you say to your friend when he confesses that he spread hemorrhoid ointment on his toothbrush? I had to think fast! I blurted out the first thing that crossed my mind, “Gee Denis I bet your gums didn’t itch that day!”
That evening, Jan was quiet at dinner. I knew she was thinking of my gaffe brushing my teeth that morning. She could not even make eye contact with me.
“Gary, please don’t talk to me.” And with that she ran from the table laughing, “Gary, you’re going to make me pee again!”
Obviously, my toothpaste incident left a bad taste in her mouth.
