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Posted by on Oct 16, 2022 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired — ‘Losing It’

Living Retired — ‘Losing It’

Living Retired — ‘Losing It’

By Gary Chalk

Yesterday morning got off to a shaky start in the Chalk household. We were barely out of bed when Jan said, “Gary, can you call my purse?”

“Jan, what do mean can I call your purse? I don’t even know its name. Here, purse, purse, purse!”

“Gary. I have lost my iPhone. It’s probably in my purse. But I can’t find it.”

So, our day began with Jan missing her iPhone AND her purse!

The only time we use our landline phone is to call our iPhones to find where we left them — so maybe three or four times a day! Just as I was about to call Jan’s iPhone she intervened.

“Gary, you can’t just call my purse without a plan.”

“Jan, it is one thing for me to call your purse. But if people knew I was planning to call your purse they’d think I am nuts.”

The plan we hatched was the same old, same old for each time we can’t find our iPhones. From our landline we call the missing cellphone and then run like maniacs all around the house listening for, as Jan said, her ringing purse. The things I do!

“Gary, I’m going to run to my office. You go check our bedroom. Just be careful you don’t trip over the decorator pillows! I haven’t made the bed yet and they’re scattered all over the floor.” (She said it, not me.)

No luck. We met back in the kitchen to strategize.

“Gary, call my purse once more. This time I’ll stand in the basement and listen. You go check the sofa in the den. Maybe it fell down in between the decorator pillows.”

Again, no luck.

“Gary I’m going to the laundry room. Call me there. This time you run to the guest bedroom and see if for some strange reason it fell between the decorator pillows on the guest bed.”

Seconds later, “Gary, I hear my purse ringing out in the garage.”

“Jan it’s not your purse that’s ringing. It’s your iPhone that’s ringing which is in your purse. Just saying.”

“Gary, this is no time for semantics. Can you get your car keys, I can’t find mine. Hopefully my lost keys are in my lost purse.”

So now Jan has lost her iPhone, her purse, and now her car keys!

Before you could say, “At the beep please leave a message” I discovered I couldn’t find my keys. OMG! Things were going from bad to worse. One thing for sure — I couldn’t call my keys! We tried to trace my steps before I went to bed last night.

“Jan, I remember lounging on the leather sofa in the basement family room reading last night.”

“That’s probably where they are. I can see how easy it could be for your car keys to get scrunched down between the decorator pillows.”

“Jan, do you realize there is a common theme with what we’re doing?”

“Yes Gary, losing my iPhone, my purse, and my keys worries me. Do you think I am starting to lose it?”

I couldn’t believe my ears! “Jan, it’s not that you lost your iPhone, your purse, and your car keys. It’s all the friggin’ decorator pillows we have! Our house is like a Pottery Barn store!”

“Oh’ Gary thanks for remembering. We need to go to Pottery Barn for pumpkin spice decorator candles.”

I was at a loss for words.