Living Retired — ‘Krazy Glue: The Glue That Binds Us’

Living Retired — ‘Krazy Glue: The Glue That Binds Us’

By Gary Chalk.

Living Retired readers know that I am not a home handyman type of guy. My first go-to tool of choice is my hammer which really irks Jan.

“Gary, I am surprised you haven’t used your hammer to replace the pot lights overtop the island in the kitchen.”

“Jan, I did try it, once. I learned my lesson though — not to wear flip flops next time.”

So last week when a thin strip of metal began to peel from the front of our microwave oven, I immediately went for my second go-to tool of choice: Krazy Glue.

This may be something Yogi Berra would have said but Krazy Glue “only works when it works. “This what I mean…

Every time I fumble through the drawer searching for my Krazy Glue, I find the tube has shrivelled up like a dead lizard in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

Jan was quick to say, “Gary, just make a quick trip over to Home Depot or Lowe’s.”

That’s easy for Jan to say. I have difficulty choosing between Home Depot and Lowe’s. Home Depot advertises ‘How Doers Get More Things Done’ while at Lowe’s their slogan is ‘A Part of Something Bigger.’

“Jan what would you prefer I do: Krazy Glue the microwave oven as a part of something bigger? Or should I fix it because it is how doers get more things done?”

Jan muttered, “Gary, if you just get the damn Krazy Glue. I promise my lips are sealed.”

I ended up at Home Depot because I decided I wanted to join the in-crowd of ‘Doers who get more things done.’ Heaven knows when it comes to home repairs I don’t want it to become ‘A part of something bigger.’ Jan and I are in agreement 100%.

At Home Depot I asked a young salesclerk where I would find the Krazy Glue? He didn’t have a clue what I was talking about.

I said, “You mean you have never heard of Krazy Glue? You have never seen the television commercial with the construction worker flailing his outstretched arms dangling in the air from his safety helmet Krazy Glue’d to an iron beam?”

It turned out that I bought the Krazy Glue at Lowe’s — despite my desire not to make repairing the microwave oven ‘A part of something bigger!’

A couple of days later Jan finally said, “Gary, doers get more things done when they up off their duff!” This is when things became, well, sticky…

I removed the lid from the Krazy Glue container and dribbled a few drops on the metal. It wasn’t long until it happened…

“Jan, can you please read the package instructions?”

“Gary, the package is beside you. Why don’t you read them yourself?”

Silence.

“I would Jan, but I have a problem. My thumb and index finger are stuck together.”

Jan didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so she chose to shake her head.

“Gary, it says you should soak your hand in lukewarm water.”

Ten minute’s later…

“Jan, you know what happens when you soak your hands in lukewarm water for ten minutes? It makes you want to pee.”

“Well Gary you will just have to hold it.”

“HOLD IT? I can’t hold it. My fingers are stuck together!”

“Gary! Surely you know what I mean!”

I am dancing from foot to foot. I grimace trying to think about anything but peeing.

Jan had a suggestion.

“Gary, go get your toolbox.”

“Dear, you want me to fix our microwave oven with my hammer?”

“No Gary, use your third tool of choice. Duct tape.”

 

Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.

For more laughs click www.LivingRetired.press