Living retired — ‘It’s Accrual World’
Living Retired – ‘It’s Accrual World’
By Gary Chalk
There must be something in women’s DNA. How else can you explain their uncanny ability to capture a guys attention?
“Gary, we have a problem. I received an email that says Canada Revenue Agency examined our taxes. We are in arrears for a substantial amount of money.”
“Jan it is likely one of those scams. I wouldn’t worry about it.”
“Gary, you need to listen. By their calculation we owe about the same amount of money it would cost if we took an around the world cruise that included the all-you-can-drink package!”
“Jan if that’s the case why don’t you go on the cruise, and I will stay home. That way we reduce how much money we owe by 50%.”
“Gary, you are not listening to me. I would need to shop for a brand new wardrobe to take a world cruise. That is how much money the government says we owe.”
HOLY CRAP! Jan had my attention!
Jan spent much of the weekend going through our past income tax returns and suggested, “First thing tomorrow morning we both need to be on the phone calling the CRA.”
“WHOA! Jan when you are retired you don’t set alarm clocks. And besides, nobody gets up at the crack of dawn to call government bureaucrats!”
“Gary, we have no choice.”
“But Jan what if I said I will have to cancel both my root canal and my colonoscopy tomorrow?”
“Gary, nobody books a root canal and a colonoscopy on the same day.”
“You do Dear when you learn you have to call a 1-800 telephone number.”
Bright and early the next day Jan and I called the CRA. OMG! This is when I discovered that the government has so many different telephone extensions that I swear they provide an extension number for every Canadian who has to call –
including people who have not applied to emigrate to Canada yet! Now that’s customer service!
As you have figured by now Jan completes our taxes. The last time I did them Jan had to drive me to the emergency department because I poisoned myself jabbing a ballpoint pen against my knee in frustration! So, the following year I worked in pencil and wrapped rolls of bubble wrap around my head to protect myself from head trauma when I repeatedly banged my head against the wall! Jan said, “Gary, you look like an idiot walking around the house that way.” I didn’t tell her how it scared the bejabbers out of the hot water salesperson at our front door!
A report sheds light on how much money Canadians pay in taxes compared to how much money we spend on necessities: on average 42% of our income goes towards taxes, whereas 37% is spent on household necessities including food, shelter, and hockey pucks.
“Jan, surely there must be a decorator pillow deduction! You determine the number of decorator pillows guys toss on the floor each evening so they can get in bed – this would be a two-digit number, say 15. Then you subtract the number of times guys get up in the middle of the night to pee and trip over the damn decorator pillows piled on the floor! This number gets claimed as a health expense. Just saying…
We agreed that Jan will do our income taxes this year. In return, I promised to complete the long version the next time we receive the Canada Census Form.
I know, Jan got off easy!
‘Living Retired’ is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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