Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’
Living Retired — ‘It’s A Scam, Jan’
By Gary Chalk
The text message on my iPhone read, ‘Canada Post: We were unable to deliver your parcel due to no answer at the door and no safe drop-off location. Text ‘Y’ to reschedule your delivery.’
Right away I thought someone was phishing for information because Jan would not include my text number for an item she ordered online.
“Jan, are we expecting a parcel from Canada Post? I think someone is phishing.”
“Sorry Gary I am in my office and I can’t hear you very well. All I heard was something about you going fishing with Canada Post?”
“Jan, what are you talking about me going fishing with Canada Post? What would be the lure of me fishing with the feds?”
Jan stomped from her office down to mine. “Gary, if we need to talk, we need to be in person, face to face. I am very busy working and don’t want to be interrupted, but everyone knows I always respond right away on Facebook, FaceTime, WhatsApp, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter. Alternatively, you can send me an email or a text message.”
“Dear, this conversation began with a text message, so obviously that doesn’t work.”
I explained to Jan the text message supposedly from Canada Post requesting me to text ‘Y’ to acknowledge. This is when things became even more confusing…
“Gary, I have never heard of replying ‘Why.’”
“No dear, its not ‘Why’ — it is ‘Y.’”
WHY — (OR IS IT ‘Y’?) — DOES SPEAKING WITH YOUR SPOUSE HAVE TO BE SO DAMN DIFFICULT?
Eventually, Jan and I were on the same page… well, sort of. Jan suggested I should reply to the text message because she is waiting for an Amazon delivery. I disagreed. “Hmmm, let me think about that.”
“Gary, you know the back door number for our local postal outlet. Get in touch with them.”
“Jan, I don’t know their door number. And why would they put it on the back door where nobody can see it?”
“Gary don’t be stupid. I am talking about the back door telephone number they gave you the time we were having difficulty tracing a parcel.”
WHY — (OR IS IT ‘Y’?) — DOES SPEAKING WITH YOUR SPOUSE HAVE TO BE SO DAMN DIFFICULT?
Jan returned to her office. I called the post office. Right away they indicated this was definitely a scam.
“It turns out I am right, Dear. It’s a scam, Jan.”
“Gary, I am back in my office. Did you say something about you are in a jam?”
“No Dear, I said it’s a scam. Make a new plan, Jan.”
This is when Jan responded with, “Take a ferry, Gary.”
OMG! I cannot believe it! Now we are communicating plagiarizing the lyrics of ‘50 Ways To Leave Your Lover’!!! We are shouting back and forth…
“Slip out the back, Jan!”
“Why did we marry, Gary?”
“Because I always thought you were happy as a clam, Jan.”
“I liked you because you are an Aries and back then you were hairy, Gary.”
“And you were my biggest fan, Jan.”
I know this is not music to your ears, but that’s it for this week. I have nothing left to say. Other than we need to get out more.
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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