Living Retired — ‘IT IS 2 O’CLOCK: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR THANKSGIVING TURKEY IS?’

Living Retired – ‘It Is 2 o’clock: Do You Know Where Your Thanksgiving Turkey Is?’

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. At 2 o’clock this afternoon across the country wives will unite and let out a bloodcurdling scream: “DEAR, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THE TURKEY OUT OF THE FREEZER!”

From television rooms coast to coast husbands will respond with a reasoned, well-thought answer: “Honey, can you grab me another beer? While you are at it you may as well bring more nachos and guacamole. The football game is tied.”

Obviously the ‘you forgot to take the turkey out of the freezer’ discussion should not occur an hour before your close relatives – who you have not seen since last Thanksgiving – are standing at your front door. As hostess gifts are exchanged the women mutter under their breath, “I don’t know why I put up with this!”

Some people prefer a fresh turkey rather than frozen. Others say they want a free-range turkey. But in the end two things are important when it comes to your Thanksgiving turkey…

First, the turkey must be large enough to provide enough leftovers to have hot turkey sandwiches, cold turkey sandwiches, turkey pot pies, turkey-a-la-king, turkey casserole, turkey enchiladas, turkey divan, turkey tetrazzini… and that is just the first week!

The second thing to remember is the turkey must be able to fit into a standard home kitchen oven. The most common reason everyone stands in the kitchen scratching their heads wondering how on earth to fit the turkey into the oven is – here we go! – because for centuries wives have trusted husbands to buy the Thanksgiving turkey!

There is good reason men typically buy the turkey – women are too busy finalizing their Thanksgiving dinner. Since Labour Day they have agonized over the menu, selecting the color scheme for the centerpiece, and setting off small kitchen fires with errant glue guns making placemats out of dried oak leaves.

Men have a common-sense approach to calculating how big a turkey to purchase. First, we determine how many people will be sitting down at the table to eat, then we allow enough for leftovers. Based on this calculation, men pick out a turkey that is the equivalent to the size of a 10-litre ShopVac.

Returning home from the grocery store, men pull into a convenience store for their other Thanksgiving tradition: beef jerky to pair with all the beer they will consume watching football.

Speaking of beer, another chore men undertake at Thanksgiving is to ensure there will be sufficient beer because the kids will be home from college – and they expect to drink their parents beer, in massive amounts, FREE! The formula to calculate how much beer to buy, is to figure out the number of college-age drinkers who will not step foot off their parents sofa the entire time they are home for the weekend – and multiply times 20!

Inevitably, the most common phrase heard on Thanksgiving Day afternoon comes from the kitchen where women plead, “If you do not stop opening the oven door the turkey will never cook!” Whereas, from television rooms the most popular phrase heard is “Kick a field goal!” As a result, thousands of women across Canada have no choice but to frantically call the Butterball Turkey Hotline asking, “How long does it take to cook a frozen turkey the size of a COACH purse?”

Eventually, after days of planning, hours of cooking, and three minutes and thirty seconds of wolfing down roast turkey, dressing, gravy, squash, sweet potatoes, and cranberry sauce everyone declares themselves, “STUFFED! I don’t care if I never eat another turkey dinner – until Christmas!”

Suddenly, it happens again. Throughout kitchens across Canada wives let out a bloodcurdling scream: “DEAR, YOU FORGOT TO TAKE THE PUMPKIN PIE OUT OF THE FREEZER!”

This is greeted by a loud crash – husbands sheepishly working their way to Lazy Boy recliners in front of big screen televisions slip on the gravy that boiled over on the stovetop!

With that, across Canada wives fall to their knees and give their Thanksgiving prayer, “Lord please give me strength.”

Happy ‘I hope your turkey thawed in time’ Thanksgiving!