Living Retired — ‘I Snooze I Lose’
Living Retired — ‘I Snooze I Lose’
By Gary Chalk.
Have you taken up the sport that is all the rage these days, pickleball? I haven’t. Instead, I am into another activity — snoring.
It began one morning a few months back when Jan said, “Gary, do you know you are snoring so much that I can’t sleep?”
“Jan how would I know I am snoring so much that it wakes you up? I am sleeping!”
The only proof Jan can provide that I snore are the bruises on my body from when she leans over and smacks me in the middle of the night. WHACK!
Stirring her coffee at breakfast, Jan said, “Gary, I am very sorry, but you are snoring like a freight train and the only way I can get your attention is to whack you.”
Massaging the welts on my ribs, I said, “Jan, I already stick one of those nasal strips on my nose. Maybe I should also wrap myself in bubble wrap so when you smack me I won’t bruise.”
“Gary don’t be silly. I am trying to have a serious conversation and you suggest coming to bed covered in bubble wrap! Besides, if you wore bubble wrap every time I whack you there would be a loud POP and I would wake up.”
“But Jan, you said you are already awake because of my snoring, so bubble wrap popping wouldn’t matter.”
We left it at that, agreeing to disagree.
That night I did it! Jan was already in bed. I quickly undressed in the bathroom and taped a small strip of bubble wrap I found from when we packed away some dishes, on my bruised ribs. I wanted to surprise Jan, so I made sure the bedroom lights were turned off when I slipped into the bed. That is when it happened…
When I laid down on the mattress I began popping! POP! POP! POP! POP! It was like one of those movie theatre popcorn machines. POP! POP! POP! POP! Jan sat right up crying with laughter — “Gary, I am not laughing at your humour, but at your stupidity!”
The next night I hatched another idea. When we got into bed I positioned a couple of our decorator pillows in between Jan and I.
“Gary, simply placing a few decorator pillows between us isn’t going to do much.”
“Jan, well at least it will soften the blow when you smack me. We have enough damn decorator pillows I could build a wall between us! Like Trump and his wall to stop immigrants entering the States illegally.”
“You can do what you want Gary. But remember you always say the decorator pillows on the floor help break your fall when you trip over them in the middle of the night when you get up to pee.”
“Jan, each night to get in bed I heave so many decorator pillows on the floor it looks like one of those pits with balls the kids jump around in at IKEA!”
Once again, we left it at that, agreeing to disagree.
I Googled ‘snoring, home remedies.’ What came up was ‘Dr. Axe, Cofounder, Ancient Nutrition.’ YIKES! His name sounds like his recommendations may be a little drastic. Dr. Axe suggests you sleep on your side — too late, my ribs are so bruised from Jan whacking me I can’t get over onto my side. Dr. Ace also recommends taking something I have never heard of before, a supplement called Fenugreek. Hmm, I think I’ll sleep on this one.
Something else on the internet caught my interest. “Jan, I came across ‘Stop Snoring In Five Minutes A Day.’ I think I will give it a try.”
“Gary, what good is it if you stop snoring five minutes a day? The problem is you are snoring eight hours a night.”
That night in bed I tried an exercise from the ‘stop snoring in five minutes a day’ article — called ‘hummers.’ Gently, I gripped the tip of my tongue between my teeth. Then, I made a humming sound, first deep in my throat, then increased to a high pitch. HmmmMMMMM! HmmmMMMMM! They said to repeat this ten times. HmmMMMMM! HmmmMMMMM! HmmMMMMM! That is when it happened…
WHACK! This time a decorator pillow bounced off my ribs. “Gary, what on earth are you doing now?”
“I am doing a hummer. I have five more to complete.”
“Gary, I am not even asleep, and you are waking me up!”
“Huh? How can that be?”
Yet again, we agreed to disagree.
Research indicates there are 4 types of snorers: mouth shut snorers, mouth wide open snorers, back snorers, and snorers categorized as ‘a snorer no matter what.’
I would like to add one more type: snorers like me with sore ribs!
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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