Living Retired — ‘Hot Water’
Living Retired — ‘Hot Water’
By Gary Chalk.
Almost midnight. That is when Jan and I finally stumbled into our home. We had been crammed onboard an Air Canada plane for an 8-hour flight from Amsterdam — a flight that was delayed for 9-hours before it even took off. I dropped the luggage on the floor. We were bagged.
Jan and I have a routine when we return from vacation. Before you can say, ‘Samsonite three-piece carry-on set’ I drop the luggage inside the door and dash down to the basement to turn the water back on. While I do this, Jan answers the phone call from our security monitoring system demanding, “Identify yourself immediately. The police have been summoned.”
I yelled up from the basement, “Jan, tell them to have the police bring some hot water when they come.”
Jan called down from the top of the stairs, “I couldn’t hear you. You said something about telling the police we are in some kind of hot water?”
“I don’t know yet if we are in hot water, Dear. What I do know is we don’t have any hot water. I hope the other passengers on our plane aren’t in the same boat when they get home.”
“Gary, now you’re saying something about the passengers on the plane are in a boat. What on earth has gotten into you? I cannot hear you from the basement.”
Two and a half weeks we have been travelling, being pampered. Chefs preparing our meals, room stewards cleaning our stateroom. And minutes after we return home it is like we never went away!
Back upstairs I turned the central air conditioning system back on, at least it works. It is stinking hot in the house. All we want is to fall asleep.
I turned on the bedroom fan. In the stifling heat we collapsed on top of the bed.
We are so tired, and the room is so hot that we don’t move. Until…
Jan stirred. Softly, she whispered, “Gary, I am hot! I mean I am really, really hot! Are you awake honey?”
OMG! I wasn’t accustomed to being in this position. I had to think. Fast.
Jan groaned, “Pleeasse Gary, I have never been this hot before.”
My heart is now pounding. The excitement is palpable.
This time the shoe was on the other foot. It was my turn to pretend I was asleep.
I felt Jan’s hand softly caress mine. Her groaning became louder. She raised her voice. “Gary, I am sooo hot!”
Jan couldn’t wait any longer and became agitated. “Gary, why don’t you say something, anything? I am talking to you and there is nothing, zilch, nada from you.”
This was the first time in our married life that I mustered the courage and turned to Jan. “Dear, not tonight. I need a shower. I am jet lagged. Maybe tomorrow night sweetie.”
Jan sat right up on the bed. “WHAT?”
I sat right up on the bed. “Jan, I am so jet lagged I don’t know which end is up. All I want is to sleep. That is why I suggested we make a date tomorrow evening. I will have caught up on my sleep. Maybe have some wine and watch a movie.”
This upset Jan. “Look Gary. It is way too hot to sleep in this room. All I was asking is there anything we can do to cool it off in here? Why is your mind always thinking about something else?”
Silence…
“Gee Jan, because I am in hot water?”
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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