Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Mar 25, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Hockey Nights In Canada’

Living Retired — ‘Hockey Nights In Canada’

Living Retired — ‘Hockey Nights In Canada’

By Gary Chalk.

Spring arrived last week. Then it snowed. Welcome to Sprwinter.

Jan does not look forward to Spring mostly because she knows the National Hockey League is inching ahead at glacial speed towards — get ready for it! — two entire months of playoff hockey on television night after night, after night!

“Gary, the hockey season began almost seven months ago in September. Why does it take this long to finally get around to start the playoffs?”

“Well Dear there are 32 teams. And each team has to play 82 regular season games. Then they decide which teams get into the playoffs.”

Jan looked puzzled. “Gary, you’re telling me that 32 teams each play 82 games before the league figures out which teams advance to the playoffs? Even the Toronto Maple Leafs?”

I didn’t have an answer.

“Gary, of the 32 teams in the NHL, how many get into the playoffs?”

“Dear, 16 teams make it to the first round of the playoffs.”

Jan sighed. “After that many games, HALF the teams qualify for the playoffs! Why is that?”

“Jan, the National Hockey League is a business. It is about making money for the owners. It’s an example of free enterprise.”

Jan was on a roll…

“Gary, why is there so much fighting in hockey? That does not make a very good impression for children.”

I didn’t have an answer.

“And Gary, what’s with all the players growing a playoff beard? Many of them look scruffy.”

“Jan, it’s part of the tradition of the hockey playoffs. Even the members of the East German Women’s Olympic hockey team had beards until they were banned for doping!”

I explained that Sydney Crosby is one player who doesn’t grow a playoff beard. “Jan, he starts to look like Wayne Newton. This may explain why Gillette has never asked to Sydney to endorse their shaving blades.”

“Gary, why don’t the referees and coaches grow a playoff beard?”

I didn’t have an answer.

Jan had more questions…

“Why do all the games on television have so many commercials for online betting?”

“Well Dear, gambling is now legal, so they advertise to the people watching.”

“Gary, I also notice there are many ads for beer. Do you think it is good to promote drinking and gambling? It seems to me that too much drinking may lead to too much gambling.”

“But that’s it Jan. It is a free society. People make choices.”

Jan thought. “Well, if I had my way the hockey playoffs would not last two months. And for sure I wouldn’t allow them to promote drinking beer and gambling.”

“But Jan. What would men do if we couldn’t watch hockey playoffs on television, drink beer, and bet?”

It didn’t take Jan long. “Well for starters you could take down the Christmas lights from the eavestroughs. After all it is April!”

I didn’t have an answer.


Living Retired is written by humour syndicated columnist Gary Chalk.

Listen to ‘Living Retired: The Radio Edition’ on The Mike Farwell Show Friday mornings 10:30 – 11:00 AM on CityNews570.

For more laughs click