Living Retired — ‘Flatulent Flyer, Sake Solution, & Other Notable Newsmakers’
Living Retired — ‘Flatulent Flyer, Sake Solution & Other Notable Newsmakers’
By Gary Chalk.
With comments that much of the news is fake, I have come up with some news stories that are so outrageous they must be real! So, this cub reporter shines the light on the following whopper news stories…
When I heard about the woes of the passengers on a recent American Airlines flight from Phoenix Arizona to Auston Texas, I just knew the story wouldn’t well, err, blow over. This is what occurred…
As the plane taxied down the runway preparing for takeoff, it suddenly came to a stop. The crew in the cockpit had been notified there was way too much wind to takeoff, not outside on the tarmac, but wind inside the plane!
What was the big stink all about? Apparently, a passenger — let’s call him ‘Re-Fried Bean Burrito Man’ — had consumed probably way too many re-fried bean burritos before boarding. Waiting for takeoff ‘Re-Fried Bean Burrito Man’ didn’t hold back making his digestive system known to the other passengers, who in turn raised their own stink! They pleaded for the oxygen masks to be lowered inside the plane!
The flight attendants had never encountered such a smelly situation — other than their children’s kindergarten birthday party’s so they took a deep breath. That is when they realized the severity of the situation! When they opened the door to the cockpit to notify the pilots, they too immediately got their drift and aborted the takeoff.
The airport security authorities were notified, who likely immediately got into protective whole-body hazmat suits and leafed through their Emergency Manual and searched under ‘F: Flatulent Flyers.’
At the gate ‘Re-Fried Bean Burrito Man’ was escorted from the plane while the other passengers, who had been holding their breath, exhaled. Here’s hoping ‘Re-Fried Bean Burrito Man’ doesn’t become a ‘Frequent Flatulence Flyer.’
Meanwhile in Japan, according to a BBC report, the consumption of alcohol is in decline. Without their yen for saki, the Japanese are sending less yen to the government in the form of taxes. (On the positive side though drinking less saki means when the Japanese greet each with the traditional bow, they tend not fall to the floor so frequently.) What to do?
Well, Japan’s national tax agency conferred with retired sumo wrestlers who couldn’t get their bodies up off the mat and came up with a hair-brained idea to reverse the trend and make drinking more attractive: conduct a national competition to solicit suggestions that promote more drinking! Seems like a good idea. What could possibly go wrong! Just for the sake of it the Japanese media reaction has been mixed. They are quick to criticize a plan that promotes drinking. You think!
But there is more. Reports also suggest the Japanese birth rate is declining. What to do about it? (See hare-brained idea above).
Then there is the news story from the Brant County Ontario Provincial Police. Officers pulled over a motorist driving a car with license plates made from — get ready for it! — cardboard diaper boxes. Before you could say ‘Get Huggies, Get Happy’ the driver was in a heap of #@*^!
Finally, we all heard the news story that Rudy Giuliani hosted a media conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping near Philadelphia. Ohh, sorry that’s not fake news — it’s real!
You know I don’t make this stuff up — at least all of it. In the words of ‘Re-Fried Bean Burrito Man’: this too shall pass.
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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