Living Retired — ‘Feeling Sort Of_____’
Living Retired — ‘Feeling Sort of ___.’
By Gary Chalk
Last Wednesday heading into the Thanksgiving weekend was a beautiful autumn afternoon. After lunch I parked in front of the Post Office and ran inside to pick up a parcel. When I returned to my Jeep, before I got inside, I decided to slip my sweater off. That is when it happened…
As I wiggled my hips trying to yank the sweater up and overtop my head the person in the car parked behind mine took notice. HONK! HONK! I looked up and saw a woman inside. She stuck her head out her window and said, “That is quite a show!” She laughed. I laughed.
Hmm, I thought to myself if she wants a show, I’ll give her a show! Cognizant of my sore shoulder I proceeded to sort of sway my arms back and forth up over my head. At the same time, I sort of swiveled my hips pretending to strip my sweater off. It was difficult because I had to be sure I didn’t throw my back out!
With my sweater off I sort of strutted on my gimpy knee to the trunk where I sort of flicked my carpal tunnel wrist playfully tossing the sweater inside. I tried to sort of shake my bootie at the same time but that DID throw my back out! The woman in the car laughed and laughed. I managed a grimace.
That is when it happened…
A lady walking from the parking lot witnessed my dance and got in on the fun. She shouted, “Hey, nice buns. You’re quite the tease!” At that point I raised my very expensive Maui Jim sunglasses (that I manage to misplace everything time I wear them!) up overtop my forehead to rest on my head like the cool people do. Of course, they fell to the ground. With a hand on my arthritic hip, I smiled at her while simultaneously sort of reaching down to retrieve the glasses from the curb.
My show ended. I sort of gently slid into my Jeep. And sort of slowly dragged my legs in trying not to let the women see I had bad knees. That is when it happened…
The car radio came on. Elvis Presley’s ‘Burning Love’ blasted. ‘Lord almighty feel my temperature rising. I’m just a hunk, a hunk of burning love.’ Talk about being embarrassed!
By the time I reached home, I was feeling sort of good about myself. I had an idea. I went to the garage where with a black marker I wrote ‘I LOVE YOU’ on the back of a cardboard box. I flipped the box overtop a winter shovel and walked over and stood outside Jan’s office window. I could see she was on a Zoom call with her coworkers. Very slowly I sort of made the sign dance up so she would see it. That is when it happened…
Looking through the window I could see Jan lost it! She was laughing so hard tears streamed down her cheeks. It was like those times she says, “Gary, I’m going to pee!” That is when I started my Post Office dance. Jan closed the California shutters. Outside in the front flower bed I’m writhing, grinding my hips swaying my shovel sign back and forth, tapping on the window. That is when it happened…
From the neighbours porch I heard John say, “What are you doing Gary?” Is everything alright? Is there something I can do?”
“Oh, Hi John. I’m sort of playing a joke on Jan.”
John shrugged and went inside.
At dinner Jan asked, “What on earth got into you with that silly I Love You sign on the shovel?”
“Dear it all began at the Post Office. I was taking off my sweater and a couple women noticed and encouraged me to sort of put on a show for them.”
“Gary, describe these women who were adoring you. How old were they? Be honest.”
“Jan, I’d say they were sort of, umm, well, one parked in an accessible parking space; the other had a walker.”
Jan howled. I sort of laughed.