Living Retired : ‘Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot’
‘Living Retired — ‘Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot’
By Gary Chalk
Saturday night Jan was really hot in bed. I mean REALLY, REALLY HOT! And she made me work up a sweat too.
It all began in the middle of the night when I awoke and rolled over and snuggled up close to Jan. I whispered in her ear, “Dear you are sooo hot.” Slowly Jan opened her eyes. Grasping the linen sheet with her hands she pulled it up near her neck and began to groan. She slowly rolled towards me in the centre of the bed and spoke softly.
“Gary, I am sleeping on the new heating pad I purchased for my back. It is a lot warmer than our old one.” Then she rolled back over and added, “Nice try though Gary.”
I sat upright. “Jan I am serious. You have to turn the temperature setting down. I am sweating like a turkey the week before Thanksgiving.”
Last night when I came to bed Jan began to complain, so I interrupted her. “Dear I know you’re going to tell me that I have to remember to wear a Breathe Right nasal strip when I come to bed. Or you’re going to insist that I replace my torn pyjama pants.”
“No that’s not it. Gary, I think we should switch sides. I would like to begin sleeping over on your side of the bed.” Her comment knocked the stuffing out of my memory foam pillow!
“Jan we have been married for over forty years and now you want to switch sides?”
We have always slept on the same side of the bed. I sleep on the right side of the mattress, and Jan is on my left. This is the way it is even when we travel — at hotels, on cruise ships, even when we camped in her parents tent trailer and snuggled into our sleeping bags stinking like a campfire.
“Jan you are already over on my side of the bed by the middle of the night. I wake up clinging onto my side of the mattress so I don’t fall off. No wonder I have this recurring dream about falling into the Grand Canyon!”
Jan is serious about switching sides in bed so I told her I’d sleep on it. Next, I Googled ‘sleeping habits of married couples.’ What I learned surprised me. There are extensive reports prepared by ‘sleep experts’ — probably members of the Canadian Senate who are sleeping on the side.
One study separates sleepers into two categories: ‘lefties’ are those who sleep on the left side of the bed, and ‘righties’ people like me who sleep on the right side. With me so far? It turns out the lefties wake up happier, whereas righties wake up grumpier. (For this column Jan who leans leftie will be referred to as ‘Pinko Jan,’ whereas because of my right leaning perspective call me ‘Grumpy Gary.’)
Pinkos prefer oldies music, drama films, drinking wine and lean left politically. This closely describes Jan but doesn’t explain her passion for decorator pillows. Righties — that’s me — prefer rock music, action flicks, and drink beer. But this doesn’t explain why I constantly tell whoever will listen to me that if I were in charge things would be much better.
I reported my findings to Jan.
“Dear according to experts if you begin sleeping on the right side of the bed you won’t be happy, you will have to watch Duck Dynasty and drink Bud Light!”
“Gary, that is bizarre. It is like saying if you start to sleep on the left side you will watch Home & Garden TV and binge watch ‘Say Yes To The Dress.”
Being a rightie sleeper, I instantly resorted to my negativity and asked Jan, “Why are you always sooo pessimistic? “
Jan and I have set aside our ‘who sleeps on which side of the bed’ differences. So much for waking up on the wrong side of the bed.
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.