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Posted by on May 13, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Dumb & Dumber’

Living Retired — ‘Dumb & Dumber’

Living Retired — ‘Dumb & Dumber’

By Gary Chalk.

I am relaxing on our patio writing this week’s Living Retired column. It feels good to set up the lawn furniture and be outside. I have a cool drink and my iPad.

Things just changed…

The next-door neighbour started his lawnmower. Then, Jan called me from over near the garage.

“Jan, I cannot hear you over the loud lawnmower. I am here on our patio.”

“Well Gary, it seems to me that if you couldn’t hear me, how did you know I said something?” Hmmm, I was, well, dumbfounded.

Jan explained, “Gary, I need you to please open the lid on this can of spray paint. You place your fingers on the cap where the arrow is. I can’t open it because I have a dumb finger.”

I can count on my fingers the number of times I have heard having a dumb finger — none. A numb finger, yes, but not a dumb finger.

A few minutes later from inside the kitchen Jan muttered something to me. I called, “Jan, how do you expect me to hear you when you are in the kitchen?”

“Gary, if you couldn’t hear me, how did you know I said something? Once again that is a dumb thing to say.”

That afternoon, Jans dumb finger didn’t prevent her from pointing to all the spots I missed as I cleaned the window on the patio door. From inside the kitchen she said, “Gary, you missed a spot. Look up here here’s another spot you missed!”

“Jan, I can’t hear you. I’m outside up on the ladder. You’re inside on the other side of the glass!”

“Gary, you said you couldn’t hear me because you are on the other side of the window. So why did you respond if you didn’t hear me? Yet again, you are not making sense whatsoever.” Yet again, I was dumbfounded.

I had considered doing what I did last Spring when I hired a professional window washing service; when they were done the windows sparkled. But then the neighbour started up his lawnmower and the sky filled with clouds of grass clippings that eventually landed on the windows. Jan said, “Gary, that was a dumb thing to do.”

It gets worse…

Last evening, I was working in my office. Jan called from the top of the stairs. Right away I got out of my chair. I took maybe three steps — WHACK! The earbuds were still connected to my laptop which was now dangling down at my knees. Jan arrived. “Gary, that’s one of the dumber things you’ve done today.” (Considering she had lots to choose from, it must have been really bad.)

That evening when we were getting ready for bed, Jan removed her collection of decorator pillows from the bed and leaned them against her jewelry chest. “Jan, these decorator pillows have got to be about the dumbest things you’ve ever bought. They serve no purpose whatsoever!” Jan didn’t say a word. I knew right away it was one of the dumbest things I could say.

We got into the bed. Silence; then a few minutes passed. “Jan, I am sorry about my comment about your decorator pillows.”

“Well, Gary you have said a lot of dumb things today. But I still love you.”

“And I love you too Dear. Dumb finger and all.”

Oops. That was another dumb thing to say.


Living Retired is written by syndicated humour columnist Gary Chalk.


Listen to ‘Living Retired: The Radio Edition’ Fridays mornings 10:30 to 11 AM on The Mike Farwell Show on CityNews570.


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