Living Retired –‘Don’t Press Your Luck’
Living Retired — ‘Don’t Press Your Luck’
By Gary Chalk.
In a recent Living Retired column ‘To Pee or Not to Pee’ I wrote that Jan mentioned we had to replace our ironing board. I should have ironed out the details but before you could ‘Easy-On Spray Starch makes ironing easier’ I purchased a new ironing board. The day coincided with our anniversary. I should have known better…
You see many years back I wrapped a snow-shovel and placed it under the Christmas tree for Jan. IT WAS A JOKE! But Jan didn’t see the humour. She excitedly tore off the wrapping paper, took one look at the shiny shovel, and regifted it to me — right between my eyes!
Needless to say, that bruised my ego, not to mention my forehead. So, when Jan said we needed a new ironing board I knew better — I would buy an ironing board, but it would not be a gift. Instead, I waited for the perfect time to tell her about the features and benefits of our new ironing board.
“Dear, I bought a new ironing board. It has all the latest bells and whistles.”
“Gary. Where are you going with this? It is not like you bought me a makeup mirror with LED lights with 3-time magnification for applying mascara. You bought an ironing board!”
Undeterred I continued…
“But Jan this one is far superior to our last ironing board. It comes complete with a specially coated cover that provides superior glide for our iron.”
“Our iron? When on earth did you last use our iron?”
I was pressed for time, so I continued…
“Jan, about the only thing the new ironing board does not have that you would use is a wine glass holder. Oh, and a place for the television remote when you’re ironing.”
Jan muttered something about male insensitivity. I responded, “Male insensitivity. Is that an oxymoron?”
“Well, Gary you got the moron part right.”
Maybe it is a guy thing but a few of my friends have experienced a similar situation when purchasing gifts for their wife. This is what I mean…
Greg reads Living Retired and sent me an email. He wrote about one of his Christmas presents he gave his wife.
“Gary, it was winter, so I purchased a set of jumper cables for Vicki’s car. For fun, I wrapped them in a Victoria Secret gift box.” You have to give Greg marks for ingenuity: I mean jumper cables in a Victoria Secret gift box!
Then there is Scott who emailed to say that on his first date with his future wife they went to a movie. “Gary, I took her to see Slap Shot. Seemed like a good idea to me. What do I know.”
At coffee last week, a friend said, “Gary, years ago my wife and I redid our kitchen. When the workers finally completed the renovation and the dust had settled my wife bought some champagne. I bought a new broom and dustpan. She didn’t take it too well. I think that was the first step to our divorce.”
I can still recall the first new car Jan and I bought — ‘recall’ is the right word but that’s another story. When we left the dealership, we pulled in for takeout fish and chips. Driving home I insisted that Jan hold the bag outside her window. “Dear, we paid a lot for this new car smell. I want it to last as long as possible.”
“But Gary! It is the middle of February. It is a snowstorm!”
I should have known then that Jan and I had some differences to iron out.
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
For more laughs visit www.LivingRetired.press
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