Living Retired — ‘Dear Deer’
Living Retired — ‘Dear Deer’
By Gary Chalk
Jan and I went online and ordered an outdoor Christmas decoration: a 2-piece reindeer and sleigh set with 150 LED lights. I know, we should have known better.
The words on the box indicated the deer and sleigh measure almost 6’ long and over 4’ tall. What arrived on our porch was a 2’ square carton crammed with deer legs, the head and neck, a set of antlers, the body, sleigh runners and plenty of pieces for the sleigh. Counting spare bulbs, fuses, and ground stakes there were 24 individual parts and 42 pieces of hardware! What the Fa La La La La La La La La were we thinking!
I took the box to our basement and waited until Jan and I got our nerve up to assemble the deer and sleigh. That day was last Saturday, well, okay, Saturday and Sunday.
Jan said, “Gary, while you open the carton I will go upstairs and make some hot mulled wine, it’s called wassail. This is going to be so much fun!” I shook my head.
Suddenly, Clement Clarke Moore’s ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ came to life…
‘I sprang from my seat and flew like a flash and tore open the box. And what to my wandering eyes did appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight steps to assemble the reindeer.’
OMG!
‘The basement fluorescent light from above gave a lustre of midday to objects below: a jumbled mess of deer parts intertwined with electric cords, and itty-bitty specks of red and gold glitter that instantly stuck all over my hands and face!’
Jan howled. “Gary, you have enough red glitter on your nose to be Rudolph!”
One hour later…
“Gary, you attached the deer legs facing backwards and you have them inside out! And why on earth have you got the tail dangling from his neck!”
“Jan, that will have to do. Dear, this deer is testing my patience.”
“Gary, which dear are you referring to: dear meaning me? Or the deer we are assembling?
From flat on my back with the deer’s butt resting on my forehead I screamed, “BOTH DEAR, DEER!”
That is when it happened…
I rolled over to stand up and accidentally pressed the Jeep key fob in my pocket! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!
Jan jumped! She spilled hot mulled wine down my pants! “Oh Gary. I hope I didn’t burn you!”
“No. But Dear I have wassail up my wazoo. Dear not your wazoo. Not the deer’s wazoo. My wazoo!”
An hour and a half later…
I swear it is like we are playing Twister. Jan is laying on her back. She is holding the deer’s hind legs in place towards its rump and has plastic twist ties dangling from her mouth. I am overtop holding the sleigh near the deer’s buttocks with one hand and reaching with the other hand to tighten a plastic twist tie around its tail!
That is when it happened…
OUR FRIGGIN’ POWER WENT OUT!!! WE ARE IN TOTAL DARKNESS!!!
Jan tried to hold the deer legs in place while fumbling with her iPhone trying to turn the flashlight on. “Gary, how do you find the flashlight on this thing?”
“Dear, you hold the deer. I’ll go grab a flashlight.”
“Gary, please be clear! When you said dear did you mean me, or the deer?”
“Dear, I never thought I would live to see the day when there are too many dears in the house!”
In the darkness I tripped over the one of the deer’s hooves. Jan is holding its tail on the end of one of the sleighs runners, carefully balancing her wassail in her hand.
When I returned to the basement and shone the flashlight, I saw Jan had two deer legs sort of near its body — but one of the legs is dangling from its mouth. Jan took one look at my pants soaked in wine. She laughed, spewing plastic twist tags from her mouth!
The following day…
Our power is back on. I have clean pants on. The deer and sleigh are laying in a pile on our front lawn — 3 legs are pointing towards the sky. One is stuck in its rump! The 150 LED lights are twinkling, showing off well, ahh, a mess.
One of our neighbours came out. He stood in disbelief staring at our blinking blob in the middle of our lawn. I broke the silence, “I call it ‘Christmas Carcass.’”
As my neighbour walked out of sight I exclaimed, ‘Happy Christmas to all. And to all a good night.’
PS: Hi, it is Dear (Jan) not deer. I added decorative bows and ribbons to the deer, and it looks amazing. I sent Gary inside and did this on my own! Cheers!
