Living Retired — ‘Comparing Cable & Colonoscopy Calls’ d
Living Retired — ‘Comparing Cable & Colonoscopy Calls’
By Gary Chalk
If you had a choice, who would you rather call: the cable company because your cable television, internet, and phones aren’t working, again? Or call your doctor to arrange to have a colonoscopy? Me? I’d call for a colonoscopy — no ifs, ands, or butts.
“Hi, it is Gary Chalk calling. I would like to book a colonoscopy please.”
“Mr. Chalk our records indicate you had one last week. So unfortunately, you aren’t due for another colonoscopy for a few years.”
“I understand but does the doctor have any free time to upgrade his skill stuffing seven miles of tube from here up to there? I am prepared to drink that stuff the night before that makes you spend all night on the toilet. This time I will be sure to tell my wife not to stand at the bathroom door asking, “Gary, what is going on in there? Are you sure you are all right?”
“Mr. Chalk we appreciate your interest in your personal health, but the doctor cannot perform another colonoscopy unless symptoms appear and it’s an emergency.”
“Is having to call the cable company considered an emergency? Please say yes!”
“OMG Mr. Chalk. Calling the cable company is an emergency. I will connect you with the doctor right away.”
My point is how polite the conversation with my doctor’s office was. And their willingness to do the right thing. On the other hand, let’s compare the colonoscopy conversation to calling the cable company…
“You have reached the cable company. All our customer service team members are busy helping other customers. Please listen to the following options because just for fun we changed them again this week. To get started please Press 7, followed by 2. Or, to use our ‘Front of The Line Concierge Service’ please use your keypad to figure out the square root of 4,372 then press pound. Or, if you would like to be connected with our convenient chat feature — her name is Susie! — please remain on the line. Have a good day. Goodbye.” Click.
What!!!
“Jan, you have a degree in mathematics. I am calling the cable company and they want to know the square root of 4,372?”
“Sure Gary. Whatever it takes to get our monthly cable bill reduced. But be careful, the last time you called to find what channel carried ‘Say Yes To The Dress’ you ended up paying extra for the Fireplace Channel.”
The chat feature seemed like a nice way to save time rather than waiting to talk with a cable company team member. So, I gave it a try…
“Hi. This is Susie. Let’s get started. How can I help you? Please say a word. For example, to give us a 5-Star review on Yelp please say ‘Outstanding.’ Please say a word.”
I said, “Upset.”
“Sorry, I did not get that. Please say a word.”
I’m steaming by now! “UPSET!!!”
“Sorry, I did not get that. Let’s try using a phrase. For instance, if you want to upgrade your cable please say, ‘Here is my credit card number.’”
I said, “I am calling because my cable has been out for three days and your technical department has not returned the messages I have left.”
“Oh. I see you want to sign up for our best-in-class high-speed Internet. Is this correct? If not, please say another phrase.”
I screamed, “I AM CANCELLING MY CABLE!”
“Oh. So, you would like to sign up for our home telephone plan with free caller ID, call waiting, call forwarding, and voicemail all synced to your wireless garage door opener. To get started please enter the mathematical value of Pi. If you need assistance calculating Pi please Press 7, followed by 2.”
GRRR!!!
At this point Jan suggested I needed a medical intervention, not a colonoscopy, but a referral for anger management classes!
“JAN. WHAT ON EARTH MAKES YOU THINK I AM FRIGGIN’ STRESSED!”
“Gary, you proved my point. Please arrange for anger management classes.”
I called a mental health crisis hotline.
“Hi. This is Carol. Let’s get started. Please say a phrase like ‘It’s an emergency and I need help.’”
I enunciated very clearly into the phone, “It’s an emergency and I need help.”
“Okay, did you say, ‘It’s an emergency and I need help?” If this is correct, please Press 1. Or, if you need help, please Press 2.’”
In the end I’d rather call for a colonoscopy.
