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Posted by on Mar 17, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Clothes Call’

Living Retired — ‘Clothes Call’

Living Retired — ‘Clothes Call’

By Gary Chalk.

The idiom ‘clothes make the man’ is a reminder that the way we dress can influence how others perceive us. Case in point…

Recently, Jan and I — okay Jan — oversaw a closet makeover of our master bedroom walk-in closet. When the time came to install the new cabinets, we needed to set up a temporary closet.

“Gary, let’s make it easy and use the dining room as our closet.”

“Jan, that’s a really good idea. When I slop chicken cacciatore down my shirt I can change without getting up from the dining room table.”

Jan was first up. She placed her blouses and sweaters on top of the dining room table. Her slacks were folded on the china cabinet. The belts, hats, shawls, leggings, scarves, and her Sympli and Lululemon collections were folded into an old IKEA bookshelf we brought up from the basement. Her jackets were hung over the back of the dining room chairs. She tucked her shoes up against the wall.

Me? I decided to replicate the bedroom walk-in closet. I picked up as many of my clothes that I could carry in my arms at a time and walked over to the dining room and threw them on the floor.

“Gary, look at what you have done! Your clothes are everywhere. Now the dining room is a mess.” I interrupted, “Jan, there wasn’t any place left for my clothes. Maybe we need to get a table that seats twelve so I would have enough space for my clothes. Besides, when my stuff is on the floor, I always know where to look.”

My male logic made no sense to Jan. She left the room, stepping carefully around clothing stacked and arranged by 1) Sportswear, 2) Casual wear, 3) Athletic wear, and, 4) Stuff She Never Wears.

“Gary, I am more concerned that your mess means I will take my life in my hands when I pick out my clothes! There are mounds of clothing everywhere I look!”

Jan may think she is taking her life in her hands picking out her clothes each day. However, I have become an exhibitionist! I get dressed each morning in the dining room.

Before we went to bed the other night Jan reminded me that an important parcel was being delivered the first thing next morning. “We need to sign for it. Goodnight Dear.”

The next morning, I woke up early. Jan was asleep. Quietly, I went to the dining room to get dressed. In the dark I discovered I did not have my blue jeans, shirt, and sweater. Mistakenly, I had picked from Jan’s clothes. Hmm, standing there in the dark, a light went on in my mind!

A few minutes later I walked into our bedroom. Jan was awake. She took one look at me. She was speechless! Alarmed is probably a better word! Her husband for over 40 years was standing beside the bed. It was rather tight, but I was wearing her Lululemon red leggings, paired with a Sympli Classic Relax-fit twilight blue sleeveless top. Jan laughed. Then she cried.

“Jan, have you seen my mascara?”

Next, Jan ran and locked herself in the bedroom closet. “Gary, I am not coming out with you dressed that way!”

“Dear should I wear heels or flats?”

Just then things took a turn for the worse. Wayyy worse.

DING. DONG. Our doorbell rang.

OMG!!!!

Inside the closet Jan screamed, “GARY, I AM NOT COMING OUT!! YOU WILL HAVE TO SIGN THE DELIVERY SLIP!!!

DING DONG.

I dashed to the dining room; desperately I grabbed a bathrobe.

DING. DONG.

“I’m coming!” As I buttoned the bathrobe, I unlocked the door and greeted the delivery person. She took one look at me, winked, and said, “Your plush velvet bathrobe is adorable. I have the same one in a soft lavender colour that I wear to the spa.”

She laughed. I cringed.

 

Living Retired is written by syndicated humour columnist Gary Chalk.

 

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