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Posted by on Dec 18, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Christmas Male Logic’

Living Retired — ‘Christmas Male Logic’

Living Retired — ‘Christmas Male Logic’

By Gary Chalk.

Everybody has their Christmas ‘to do’ list of things you have get done by Christmas Eve — or whenever you pull your hair out, whichever comes first.

For Jan and I the most important thing on our to do list is to every day — get this! — update the friggin’ list.

Over coffee at breakfast Jan studies the list — stroking off one or two things we somehow managed to accomplish the day before; then she adds five or six new chores to the list.

“Gary, today you need to get more bubble wrap so I can finish all the wrapping. My ears were popping all night long from listening to you play with what you bought.”

“Jan, it’s fun! Popping bubble wrap relieves stress.”

“Gary, if you want stress try managing this list every day.”

Yesterday, Jan’s list for me included: 1) going to a craft store to get more glue sticks for her glue gun so she can finish making Christmas ornaments, 2) pull into a pharmacy to buy more gauze to wrap the burns to her fingers from using the glue gun, and 3) a quick stop at a hardware store for more duct tape so I can repair the extension cord that melted in half when she accidentally set the hot glue gun on it.

“Jan, it seems to me if we didn’t have a glue gun, we wouldn’t have so much on our to do list.” (Note to self: you don’t always have to say what is on your mind.)

One chore that remains on our to do list is for me to purchase the Christmas turkey. After all these years Jan still trusts — make that prays! — that I will get it right this year. Here is why…

After Jan and I were married — and we replaced the family room furniture made from empty cardboard beer boxes and our taste in wine graduated from Baby Duck — we felt comfortable hosting our family for Christmas dinner. They say your first Christmas together is memorable, well ours was…

To calculate the size of the turkey to buy, I relied on ‘male logic,’ similar to what I used to get our first Christmas tree: two times the length of the roof of the car I was driving. So, I followed the same male logic to decide how big a turkey to buy: the size of the grocery cart, or a 60 Litre ShopVac with hepa filter — whichever is larger.

I still recall returning home with the Christmas turkey. Jan said, “Well, I am glad you’re the one cooking it!”

Fast forward to middle-aged men cooking the Christmas turkey…

Instead of setting an alarm to wake up in the night to put the turkey in the oven, most guys my age are already up a couple of times to pee, so male logic says to put the turkey in the oven on your second pee break.

Yesterday, Jan added to our to do list to get some cheap things at the dollar store to keep the men busy when it is time for me to carve the turkey. Otherwise, suddenly every one of them will instantly become a ‘Master Butcher.’ “Gary, try cutting it like this.” “You should hold the knife this way.” “Gary, you’re slicing the meat way too thick.” “Not like that, now it is too thin.”

This morning I confessed to Jan that I was tired of looking at our to-do list.

“Well Gary, if it makes it any better, when we are done, you will feel listless.”