Pages Menu
Categories Menu

Posted by on Nov 26, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Chalk Talk’

Living Retired — ‘Chalk Talk’

Living Retired — ‘Chalk Talk’

By Gary Chalk.

Professionally-trained marriage experts — people who learned their craft in laboratories studying female rats tossing decorator pillows on beds, while the male rats throw empty beer cans on the floor beside their LazyBoy recliners — say a successful marriage requires two-way communication. I agree. I also believe spouses need to ‘say what they mean, and mean what they say.’ This is what I mean…

One afternoon last week Jan walked into our family room modelling a dress she ordered online. She swooshed the dress away from her hips showing its design.

“Gary, do you like this? I don’t. It looks blah on me. It doesn’t hang properly.”

“Dear, I agree with you. I don’t like it.”

It wasn’t five minutes later when Jan returned. She stood at the kitchen island folding the dress back into its packaging. “Gary, I thought this dress looked quite elegant.”

HUH?

“Jan, before I could say whether I liked you in the dress you said you didn’t like it, so naturally I said I didn’t like it. What’s not to like with what I said? Did you mean what you said?”

I am also guilty of not saying what I mean…

Jan was ordering a pizza for dinner and asked me what toppings I’d like. “Whatever you want Dear is fine with me.”

When we sat down for dinner it happened…

“Jan what’s this? You ordered a pizza with shredded chicken, feta cheese, artichokes, baby spinach, and cherry tomatoes! Where’s the pepperoni, bacon, sausage, and hot peppers? This isn’t what I wanted.”

“Gary, you said to get whatever toppings on the pizza. Did you mean what you said?”

Often before dinner Jan and I pour a glass of wine and play cribbage. It is a tradition that began when Covid left everyone housebound. I don’t like to talk when I play cards because I need to concentrate. Jan though, she chats and multi-tasks.

“Gary, do you like how we redecorated the dining room? The framed art on the wall complements the new carpet.”

“Yes Dear. You deal.”

“Gary, do you like the new lamps we picked up? Or should we keep the old lamps?”

“Yes Dear. Whose crib is it, mine or yours?”

“Gary, you didn’t answer my question. It is your crib.”

“Jan, I am trying to count. I think I have eight points plus a run of three for eleven points. You deal.”

Or, how about this confusing conversation we had…

“Jan, I am repairing the bathroom tap. Do you have my monkey wrench?”

“No Gary. Besides, I don’t know what a monkey wrench is.”

“Well Dear, if you don’t know what a monkey wrench is, how do you know that you don’t have it?”

“Gary, if I had something that I didn’t know what is was I’d quickly conclude that what I had that I didn’t know what it was, was probably your monkey wrench.”

HUH?

Jans word salad left me with, well, a bad taste in my mouth.

“Jan, what you said is over my head. I don’t think you could even repeat it again!”

“Gary, if I had something that I didn’t know what it was I’d quickly conclude that what I had that I didn’t know what it was, was probably your monkey wrench.”

It’s unusual, but I was at a loss for words.