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Posted by on Jan 14, 2024 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Chalk Closet Caper’

Living Retired — ‘Chalk Closet Caper’

Living Retired — ‘Chalk Closet Caper’

By Gary Chalk.

In our home, Jan and I designate different clothes closets for different things. Hang in, and I will explain.

The closet at our main entrance has special wood hangers for our guests coats when they visit. One time I hung the coat I wear for shovelling the driveway. Jan said, “Gary, I don’t believe it is proper to hang that thing alongside our guests’ nice coats.”

“Well Jan, if that’s the case isn’t it also proper that we keep a breathalyzer monitor for when our guests leave? Just saying.”

One of our closets in the basement is where we store our myriad of valuable, treasured, family Christmas heirlooms we have collected throughout the years: blinking lights that don’t blink, and a mishmash of fragile chipped ornaments Crazy-Glued together wrapped in their original tattered tissue paper and packed away for safekeeping in dilapidated shoe boxes. We call this the Chalk Christmas Closet.

A few weeks ago, a new closet came onto the scene. Jan said, “Gary, I have always dreamed of updating the walk-in closet in our bedroom into a closet where all our clothes and shoes are properly organized. Separate shelves for my floppy beach hats, the ball caps I wear for pickleball, the large brim hats I wear to weddings, and that Fascinator hat I wore watching the Royal Wedding on television with my girlfriend’s.”

“Jan, your dream is my nightmare! Are you sure you haven’t been looking online too much at designer homes on Houzz?”

Personally, the only advantage I see from updating our bedroom walk-in closet to Jan’s state-of-the art walk-in closet is proper shelving will create more floorspace for me to stand and toss my socks and underwear.

Before Jan could say “I have a closet full of clothes, but nothing to wear” she booked an appointment with a company who — for a fee! — will send someone to our home to tell us how to hang up our clothes so we can find them. HANG ON!

“Gary, we need to clean up the closet before the person can come.”

“Jan, I have another suggestion let’s leave the place a mess. That way they will know how many clothes we need to hang up.”

When the company representative arrived, I realized the journey Jan and I were about to ah, err, endure. She had a raft of catalogues, pads of sketch paper, a measuring tape and a business card that identified herself as a ‘Certified Closet Consultant.’

Standing at our front door, ‘Certified Closet Consultant’ introduced herself. “Hi. I thought I’d come over and ‘hang out’ in your closet.” Jan and ‘Certified Closet Consultant’ laughed at her humour. Jan was hanging on her every word. UGH!

‘Certified Closet Consultant’ suggested we sit down and review what we wanted in a closet. She wanted to — her words — “design a custom walk-in closet system that would be an area of relaxation.” Oh my gosh: our walk-in closet was about to become a system, perhaps even a closet complex with wireless cold-air diffusion technology featuring green tea, lemongrass, and lily scent.

Jan and ‘Certified Closet Consultant’ planned spaces for her dresses, tops, slacks, shoes, hats, and scarves. They talked about luxuriating in a peaceful, calm Zen-like closet. Me? I said all I wanted was a place to toss my stuff. And a door that closes.

Based on our input ‘Certified Closet Consultant’ informed us she would go to our closet and begin to design, saying, “I need an hour then I will come out of the closet!” Jan and ‘Certified Closet Consultant’ laughed and laughed…

One week later…

Jan and I are now in the second phase. We spend time standing together in our closet holding the design ‘Certified Closet Consultant’ drew up. Jan says she can live with it. “How about you Gary?”

“Dear, I am sorry. I have some hangups. All this talk about closets, the only thing I can think about is what the school janitor screamed when he finally came out of the closet? Supplies!”


Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.

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