Living Retired — ‘Blood Test All In Vain’
Living Retired — ‘Blood Test All In Vain’
By Gary Chalk
This weeks Living Retired column is about identity theft. Mine!
It happened Wednesday afternoon. In less than ten minutes. Here is how it came about…
My physician gave me a requisition for blood work to be completed for my annual physical. All I had to do was book an appointment at a nearby laboratory. Easy peasy. Well not so fast Dr. Dreamy.
I went online to make an appointment at the lab I have visited in the past. I typed in the name of the lab and was directed to their website. What happened next, well, made my blood boil!
This lab allows registered patients to book appointments and see the results of their bloodwork online. All I had to do was go to the secure portal and answer the security questions I set up for my account from my last visit. WELL! This was like trying to get blood from a stone.
The first security question I set up last year was to enter the day, month, and year of my birth. I scrolled the mouse and clicked the correct date — there were only 31 days to select from. BUT! To select the year I was born meant I had to scroll the computer mouse back, back, way back. I reached the 1980’s but I still had a way to go. Somewhere while I was scrolling between 1981 and 1972, I developed sudden onset carpal tunnel syndrome.
The second security question was ‘What secondary school did you graduate from?’ I typed North Park Collegiate. Up on the screen popped, ‘Incorrect Answer.’ Huh? How can this be? I spent six years to earn my five-year diploma at North Park Collegiate!
I called up to Jan in her office, “Dear, I graduated from North Park Collegiate. But the lab says I did not.”
“Gary, maybe it has something to do with that time you tossed 33 Shakespeare novels one at a time out of Mr. Helgers second floor classroom window.”
I skipped to the third security question, ‘What is the first name of your wife?’ I entered Jan. Up popped, ‘Incorrect Answer.’ WHAT!!!
“Jan, your name is Jan, right?”
“Gary, what on earth is all this cockamamie about?”
I went on to the fourth security question. ‘What year were you married?’ Now I know for sure I have carpal tunnel syndrome because I spent forever scrolling back, back, back until I could select the year. Up popped, ‘Incorrect Answer.’ I was gobsmacked! Now I am not married!
“Jan, we are married — right?? For more than forty years. Right?”
“Gary, please don’t remind me!”
With that Jan arrived in my office demanding, “What the hell is going on?”
“Jan — or whatever your name is, and whenever you married me, but you didn’t — I am simply trying to make a medical appointment online. But it turns out you are not Jan, we are not married, I did not graduate from high school, and now I have carpel tunnel syndrome! Now do you understand my problem?”
“Your problem? What about me Gary. See what I have to live with?”
“JAN, WHAT YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH??? HOW ABOUT ME! I JUST LEARNED THAT I AM UNEDUCATED, YOUR NAME ISN’T JAN, I AM SINGLE, AND NOW I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY FOR SUDDEN ONSET CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME. SO THERE!!!”
I was so frustrated that I smashed my fist against the desk! Just like that my fingers began to bleed.
That is when Jan said, “That was smart, Gary!”
That is when I said, “Jan, now I don’t need to go to the lab.”
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
For more laughs click www.LivingRetired.press
To unsubscribe contact Gchalk@me.com
