Living Retired — ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

Living Retired — ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

A recent study indicates 90% of women find their husband more attractive after he does the vacuuming.

“Jan, when I vacuum do I sweep you off your feet because I look like one of those sexy guys with long flowing hair on the cover of a Harlequin Romance novel?”

“Gary, when you vacuum you wear your old paint-splattered sweatpants that droop down like plumbers pants. And those ridiculous red plaid slippers with the sole held on with duct tape! Lets just say you are not a pretty picture.”

I do the vacuuming to help keep the house clean; but mostly to help me find my socks!

“Jan, my sock drawer is empty. Do you know where they have all disappeared to?’

“Gary, I do not know. All I can say is that it must be time for you to vacuum again and clog the vacuum hose with your socks underneath our bed.”

Five minutes later I was buried up to my waist in massive loops of twisted plastic hose from our central vacuum. The family room floor looks like a giant octopus with me plopped in the middle. But wait. Something is fishy: the vacuum cleaner power head is missing. How can that be?

“Jan, do you know where the power head for our central vacuum system is?”

“No Gary, you always brag about doing the vacuuming so you cannot blame me.”

I was perplexed. How do you lose a central vacuum power head? It blew the Dyson daylights out of me!

One thing led to another and before you could say ‘Hoover upright’ I had gone out and purchased a new central vacuum system.

Driving home from the vacuum shop I recalled the Hoover vacuum advertising slogan, ‘She will be happier with a Hoover.’ Hmmm, should I wait until Christmas and put our new central vacuum system under the tree for Jan? Somehow a 2-stage micro-filtration central vacuum unit with 30’ crushproof hose and separate crevice tool doesn’t compare with a gift guys like to pick for their wife from a Victoria Secret catalogue.

At home, I am not sure what got into me: I opened the 6-page instruction book!

The Table of Contents did not begin with the usual ‘Congratulations you are the proud owner of a central vacuum system.’ Instead, Page 1 read: ‘WARNING IMPORTANT SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS.’ What followed made me wonder whether I had been living in, well, a vacuum! This is what I mean…

• ‘Do not allow the power nozzle to be used as a toy.’ Ahh, now I know why we should not give our granddaughters a Bissell cordless vacuum cleaner that gets rid of embedded dirt and stubborn pet stains.
• ‘Do not use the power nozzle to pick up anything that is burning or smoking.’ Now I know why the US Forestry Service does not use vacuums fighting California forest fires.
• ‘Do not use the power nozzle on people or pets.’ “Jan, have you seen Fluffy recently? I will check the central vacuum canister.”

Our new central vacuum system came complete with a ‘Premium Quality Central Vacuum Kit Super Pack’ which is a big box filled with enough attachments to make your brush rollers bristle! The kit includes a telescoping wand, a flexible crevice attachment, a small thingamajig for doing California shutters, a doohickey for cleaning upholstery, a whatchamacallit that you can use to clean something — I am not sure what! — and a floor brush with bright lime-coloured green ‘stringy things’ like those long floppy soap brushes at the car wash.

And there is also 30-feet of vacuum hose with a 30-foot long ‘condom’ that fits overtop the vacuum hose, so we have safe sofas when I vacuum!

The vacuum hose is described as ‘flexible.’ Note to manufacturer: you call it ‘flexible,’ I call it friggin’ infuriating! Have you ever tried to loop together a vacuum hose that is longer than the Great Wall of China? It takes more time than it does to vacuum a 3,000 square foot house!

Back to the instruction manual. The last page ‘TROUBLESHOOTING’ identifies potential problems and solutions. These include what to do if the motor is not running, the brush is not rotating, etc. However, there is no mention about what to do when your wife does not agree with the study that 90% of women find their husband more attractive after he does the vacuuming. The only solution I could come up with was to take my shirt off when I vacuum. This is when Jan pulled the rug out on me…

“Gary, please leave your shirt on when you vacuum. The next thing you will want to do is strip the floors.”