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Posted by on Jun 12, 2023 in Retirement Humour |

Living Retired — ‘Air New Zealand Throws Its Weight Around’

Living Retired — ‘Air New Zealand Throws Its Weight Around’

Living Retired — ‘Air New Zealand Throws Its Weight Around’

By Gary Chalk.

Houston, we have a problem.

No, make that Christchurch New Zealand, we have a problem.

Okay for that matter, Jan, we have a problem!

It all began when I came across a news story online. The headline read ‘Air New Zealand to Weigh Passengers Before They Board the Airplane.’ As soon as I read the column, I knew I had to weigh-in on this pathetic proposed plane policy.

My summary of the tale of the tape is that New Zealand’s Civil Air Authority is asking Air New Zealand to experiment weighing passengers before they board the plane. If this sounds like a kick in your seat, it is! Here is how it would work…

At check-in you pop a hernia heaving your baggage up onto the scale. Then, in excruciating pain you have to flop your personal baggage (you know what I mean!) onto the scale.

It is one thing to have to strip down to go through airport security to get on a plane, but now also get weighed? Next it will be a personal pat-down? Oh, sorry they already do this.

According to authorities, the passenger weight survey is ‘a way to gather data on the weight load and distribution for planes.’ I can’t help but think the New Zealand Civil Air authority has bit off more than they can chew.

Here’s some food for thought. Imagine waiting in the airport departure lounge to board the plane…

Paging passenger A. Pfattass; to repeat, passenger A. Pfattass. To board the plane please go to Heavy Cargo Container Terminal 4. Repeat. Passenger A. Pfattass to board the plane please proceed to Heavy Cargo Container Terminal 4. Enjoy your flight.”

Being retired means Jan and I can travel more. So, I thought I would get her reaction.

“Jan, I found a terrific deal on New Zealand Air flights.”

“Gary, I have always wanted to visit Christchurch and do a wine-tasting in the Marlborough region in New Zealand. Let’s book our flights right now.”

“Jan, there is one small catch though. When you check-in you have to remove your shoes, unload your pockets, and place everything along with your iPhone and iPad in a tray; then stand in the X-Ray machine with your arms over your head. Now, in addition to all this you also have to get weighed.”

“Gary, why would you say getting weighed before you can board the plane is a ‘small catch?’ Call it what it is: A friggin’ deal breaker! Full stop!”

“But Jan, if it’s a really good seat sale, isn’t it worth the weight?”

It is not as if Jan and I aren’t accustomed to getting weighed. We are enrolled in a weight loss challenge, which means we step on the bathroom scale first thing Friday mornings. So, I asked Jan what the difference is.


“Gary, think about this for a moment. We aren’t getting weighed in public. We are in our bathroom. Before you get weighed you take your pyjamas off. Nobody is looking.”

“Jan, so you’re saying the airport security staff wouldn’t want to see me nude?”

“Gary, let’s just say they would realize that I married you for your money!”

The policy being proposed for Air New Zealand to weigh passengers before they board, takes flying to new heights and weights. And it brings a whole new meaning to excess baggage.

Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.

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