Living Retired — ‘A Fly on The Wall’
Living Retired — ‘A Fly on The Wall’
By Gary Chalk.
If you had been living at our house the past while you would have realized it is a zoo around our place.
It all began last fall. I cannot recall what brought it on, but Jan smiled and said — these are her exact words — “Gary, you’re becoming an old dog.”
“Well, Dear at least I am not lapping water from the toilet bowl.”
“Yes Gary but how many times do I have to remind you to close the toilet bowl lid?”
Being called an old dog stung. I had always heard dogs age faster then humans, so later that day I checked out the American Veterinarian Association website. By their calculation, in dog years I am 370 years old! Doggone it, that was ruff to hear. Any day Jan may think it is time and take to a veterinarian to… OMG!
Putting up our outdoor Christmas decorations on the front lawn in December one of the deer’s legs ended up hanging from its nose. That is when Jan pulled into our driveway, got out of her car and said, “Gary, what’s with the deformed deer? We cannot light up your display. What you have assembled looks like a dog’s breakfast!”
First, I was an old dog. Then a reference to a dog’s breakfast. But Jan has moved on from dogs. Now I am a duck. An odd duck. Here is what happened…
I have a habit of placing the television remote in our bedroom on the night stand on my side of the bed when I turn off the light. So when we awoke one morning last week and couldn’t find the remote I reminded Jan that she must have turned the television off the previous night because the remote was nowhere to be found.
“Gary, believe me misplacing the television remote is no big deal. You are an odd duck.”
So now Jan’s habit of calling me animal names has expanded and now includes more of the menagerie.
“Jan, you have called me a dog and a duck. Not to mention when I cleaned the refrigerator you thanked me for taking the bull by the horns. What is next?”
“Well Gary trying to find that special craft beer last weekend we ended up on a wild goose chase.” Jan howled at her choice of words.
“You are on a roll Dear. So don’t stop now.”
“Okay I won’t. Remember we came back to our place from dinner to have dessert with Rick and Judy? You insisted on telling your silly joke about the golden retriever and the chihuahua? You made an ass of yourself.”
It got worse.
“Gary, when we were shopping for the new area carpet for the living room you spoke up to the clerk and tried to let on that you knew what you were talking about. It was one thing to ask about the carpet material and underfoot comfort, but when you mentioned footstep suppression, you were like a fish out of water.”
So, I have been called an old dog. An odd duck. An ass. A goose. And finally, a fish out of water.
I am not going to begin using animals to describe Jan. Obviously, she is as happy as a clam.
Living Retired is written by humour columnist Gary Chalk.
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