Living Retired #228 – HELP! I Wrecked My House’

Living Retired: ‘HELP! I WRECKED MY HOUSE’

It is now 6 months and Covid-19 couple confinement continues.

The routine is to eat all day. Then, after the evening dinner it is time for the ‘Covid-19 Couple Confinement Collapse’ — plopping into overstuffed sofas. And with that, it is time for another fulfilling evening of stimulating conversation.

“Jan, What the hell are we going to find to watch on television tonight?”

“Gary, you shouldn’t be so negative. We have 500 channels to choose from. There’s always something terrific to enjoy.”

We are watching the Aquarium Channel. Exotic fish are swimming left to right across the screen. Now they are swimming from right to left. Where is the television remote? I can’t find it fast enough — I’m down on my hands and knees like I’m playing Twister when Jan said, “Gary you look like a fish out of water while you flounder for the remote.”

It is no better on the Swiss Chalet Rotisserie Channel. Chickens on spits are going around and around like a Farris wheel. My mind drifts to pre-pandemic times: thick dipping sauce dribbling down my chin spilling onto my shirt; and Jan saying, “I don’t know why I go out to eat with you in public!”

Over on HGTV there are shows about couples buying houses, couples renovating houses, couples renting houses in foreign countries, and couples foolishly rebuilding remnants of cottages washed away annually at beaches.

Another show features couples who have won gazillions of dollars in lotteries. With their wealth they intend to search for their ultimate dream home. “Mildred and I have decided for our new home we’d like a front porch. And shutters that don’t dangle.”

I pressed ‘guide’ on the remote and read about a new show called, ‘HELP! I Wrecked My House! This is the program description…

‘Season 1 Episode 1 — A couple set out to create their dream home, but their skill isn’t up to par, and they have a million projects they can’t finish; so Jasmine steps in to turn their half-finished kitchen, bathroom and backyard into spaces where the family can relax.’

‘Help! I Wrecked My House’ sounds like, well… ME! I don’t know a reciprocating saw from a Sawzall from spinach. But just because I reach for a hammer to replace light bulbs doesn’t mean I’m not a saw abiding citizen.

Here’s my point. To be perfectly clear I WOULD wreck our house doing a renovation. BUT there is not a chance in Hades that Jan and I would humiliate ourselves documenting our disaster on national television on ‘HELP! I Wrecked My House.’

Instead, after 6 months of Covid Couple Confinement we would humiliate ourselves squaring off against each other on a special prime time episode of ‘Judge Judy: Covid Couples in Confinement In Conflict!’

I’m just saying.