Living Retired #227 – ‘The The Saliva Samples’

Living Retired: ‘The Saliva Samples’

What are you doing to survive Covid-19 isolation?

My wife Jan and I are spending time cooking. It’s a two-person job: I stand at the stove stirring the pot, while Jan stands in the hallway frantically waving a dish towel at the smoke alarm!

We have also started researching our ancestry. This too is a two-person job: Jan sits in front of her computer on one of those genealogy sites, while I practice popular phrases used by people researching their distant relatives — “Hi, we think you are related to us. Do you own a condo in Hawaii?”

To determine if the Chalk’s came over on The Mayflower we needed to submit samples of our DNA — the scientific terminology is ‘spit’ — to the ancestry company. They provided us two test tubes similar to the ones from grade 9 science — remember the ones you put overtop a Brunson burner that when you turned the gas on initiated another school fire drill!

To fill the test tube, you have to — in my words — ‘hork.’ Before you could say spitball 10 times fast I filled my test tube so the people back in the lab could determine if I have any living rich relatives — preferably nearby.

Unfortunately, Jan couldn’t get a handle on her horking…

“Dear, you gotta’ reach deep. Come on REALLY SPIT UP!”

It wasn’t working…

“Jan, pretend you’re a professional baseball player. Think of the scene in Naked Gun with all the players spitting in the dugout.” Jan gagged.

Finally, we filled the test tubes, added the stabilizer solution, and twisted itty-bitty caps onto the test tubes — which is about as easy as inserting that damn SIM card into your new iPhone!

I put on my Covid-19 mask and took our saliva samples to the post office. Waiting at the counter the baseball analogy was on my mind — I thought of scratching myself like professional baseball players do. I wanted to spit. The clerk noticed and immediately said, “Oh you must be mailing saliva samples.”

While our saliva was being analyzed by university-trained Spit Specialists, Jan and I remained in Covid-19 confinement. Jan passed the time wondering who we may be related to. Me? I arranged for an inexpensive long distance telephone plan and practiced saying, “Hi. My name is Gary Chalk. Remember me? Do you have a will?”

Soon — before you could say ‘spitting image’ (HA! HA!) — we received an email with a link to our results. First things first: Jan poured a glass of wine. I pressed the button: ‘Can’t remember your password?’

The results?

Jan is 60% English/Wales; 21% Irish/Scottish; 6% Norwegian. And 100% right all the time!

I’m not revealing my results because I may be related to a very rich, powerful person. If its Trump I’ll be gobsmacked!