Living Retired #223- January 15, 2018
THE AMAZING CELL PHONE DIET
Me? I haven’t been able to control my enthusiasm.
My wife? She can’t contain her sarcasm.
“Gary please tell me you’re running around the house because you’re excited that for once you remembered to put the toilet seat down!”
Actually it’s better; much better. I am about to join the list of great inventors–people who have brought about transformational change with inventions like the automobile, the personal computer, and the salad spinner.
My invention is at the point that I can feel it in my bones. It’s that excitement all the famous inventors must experience when they realize their invention is going to be a hit!
I’m talking about that feeling Alexander Graham Bell had when he invented the telephone and screamed into the receiver “Watson, your call is important–please wait for the next available agent.”
It’s that euphoria that must have overcome that other famous inventor–Ron Popeil when he invented Hair-In-A-Can! You just know when you’ve hit pay dirt.
What I have discovered is a new way for middle age men to lose weight AND get in shape. The best part of my revolutionary fitness plan is that you don’t have to eat tasteless tofu disguised as chicken wings accompanied with blue cheese dipping sauce made from genetically modified milk solids.
Just like they say on the late night infomercials: “But wait! There’s more!”
Men, I’m telling you my fitness plan is so easy, you don’t even need to get down on your hands and knees like you see on those television commercials to slide an exercise machine out from underneath the bed. Imagine not having to fight with your wife’s goose down hypoallergenic duvet with lightweight 100% sateen cotton each time you want to workout!
About now you’re probably saying, “Ah come on Gary! Stop teasing me. I can’t take it any more. Please tell me how I can lose weight AND get in shape! I want to look like Fabio–even if I can’t have his flowing shoulder length hair, I want his chiselled body!”
Okay, I hear you.
Guys, the only thing holding you back from wearing those L.L. Bean slim fit chinos with tapered legs your wife insists buying you… is your cell phone. That’s it!
Yep. The Amazing Cell Phone Diet can unlock a ‘new you.’ Here’s how…
First–and this is important–NEVER EVER put your cell phone ringer on ‘silent.’ This is easier than you think because most men are about as handy with their cell phone as they are with a caulking gun. It’s not pretty.
Second–and this is the easy part–lose your cell phone. The fact that you already misplace your cell phone a couple of times every day, means you’ve already got this part of the diet plan down pat.
Following is a typical day on The Amazing Cell Phone Diet…
6 AM. You’re in bed; your nasal strip has slid down over your mouth. Suddenly your cell phone rings–scaring the bejeebers out of you! Swearing like a soccer mom–tripping over enough decorator pillows scattered on the bedroom floor to ensure a soft landing for the Olympic pole vault competition–you run like a madman around the house trying to find where you left your cell phone when you went to bed. Is it beside the television? No. Did I leave it on the sofa? No. Near the fridge? No. Ahhh, the beer fridge. Found it! Your heart is pounding. You’ve worked up a sweat. Congratulations you’ve completed your first workout of the day.
9 AM. You’re standing in front of the mirror shaving; wearing torn gotchies. As you admire your pathetic physique your cellphone rings. Of course you forgot where you left it when you had your first workout of the day. With shaving cream spattered on your face you dash to find where the cellphone is ringing. This time you’re running in desperation–like the guy in the television commercial who has such a weak bladder that he has to excuse himself during the second inning of the baseball game to go to the bathroom. Eventually, you discover your phone was again at the beer fridge; go figure. And just like that you’ve completed your second workout of the day! See it’s easy: reward yourself with bacon–but limit yourself to just one pound–for breakfast.
It’s noon. All those important telemarketing calls–duct cleaning, credit cards, political party surveys–means you’ve already fit in more workouts than watching a months worth of Richard Simmons in a tank top dancing the Macarena on television!
Remember. You discovered the Amazing Cell Phone Diet here first. Don’t be surprised the next time you read about it you’ll be standing in line at the supermarket reading those magazines with outrageous headlines like, “Trump Can’t Find Cell Phone: Can’t Tweet. Loses 150 Pounds in 1 Week.’