Living Retired #217- November 20, 2017
Living Retired is going to a place it has never ventured before.
No, I’m not going to appear on the Dr. Phil Show to discuss why men are happier–because unlike women we don’t drive to the next gas station washroom because the one we’re at is too icky!
What I am going to get into today is the bedroom of a typical North American middle-aged couple…
It’s 3 o’clock in the night. Suddenly! Your husband bolts upright in the bed.
He is sweating profusely! It’s like he’s a professional football player being interviewed at halftime, “How many community service hours remain from your conviction for armed robbery, taking illegal steroids, and removing the ‘New Material Only, Do Not Remove’ tag from your pillow?”
Sitting in the darkness of the bedroom your husband clutches the bed sheets. He rubs his eyes. Was it a nightmare?
Then, he screams: “SFOLLY FHRAPF!!”
Suddenly! His wife is awakened from her sleep. She jolts upright! “Dear if I’ve told you once I’ve told you a million times: if you want me to understand what you’re saying when you when you wake up in the middle of the night, please make sure your nasal strip hasn’t slipped down and covered your mouth!”
Staring straight ahead, shaking uncontrollably, he blurts out: “SFOLLY FHRAPF! ITCH NOFHEMBUR, KRISHMUSH IS COMINK AND WEE HAFN’T REMUDDLED SHA KISHUN!”
That sure got his wife’s attention! She lets out a bloodcurdling scream! “OMG! Did you just say, “SFOLLY FHRAPF! ITCH NOFHEMBBUR, KRISHMUSH IS COMINK AND WE HAFN’T REMUDLED SHA KISHUN!”
Faced with an extreme emergency in the middle of the night, she does what comes naturally: she grabs her iPhone and updates her status on Facebook. Because of the gravity of the situation, she only has time to upload a quick photograph of the duvet and dust ruffle. Then she calls her friend…
Ring. Ring. Ring…
Her friend answers. All she hears is: “SFOLLY FHRAPF!! ITCH NOFHEMBBUR, KRISHMUSH IS COMINK AND WE HAFN’T REMUDLED SHA KISHUN!”
By now her friend knows what’s happening. “Are you trying to talk with a nasal strip slipped down over your lips?”
“Oh sorry. My husband just woke up and he said Holy Crap It’s November, Christmas is Coming and We Haven’t Remodelled The Kitchen!”
Silence. Then her friend screamed…
“OMG!!! What are you ever going to do? If you haven’t installed a granite countertop, replaced the kitchen cupboards and put in ceramic backsplash, you can’t have a Christmas Open House!”
According to the American Decorators Association–whose motto is ‘Pantone #285C’–hosting a Christmas Open House is the best way for homeowners to restock their liquor cabinet, free! Just invite your 100 best friends to come over for a night of food and fellowship. Guests always bring a bottle of wine as a hostess gift, in exchange for slopping shrimp sauce over the new carpets.
The bottom line is if you haven’t begun your annual kitchen renovation by now, don’t bother. All the tradespeople are already booked solid. This includes the designer who came in last November and told you the kitchen cupboard handles–yep the brushed Chrome banker handles she recommended the previous year–are ‘so passé.’
By November couples should have completed the ‘Planning’ stage which is referred to the ‘Dear Would You Just Once Put Down That TV Remote and Come Look At This Backsplash Sample’ stage!”
If you haven’t stuck little swatches of paint colours on the wood trim in your kitchen by mid-November, forget it. According to the Paint Manufacturers Association–whose slogan is ‘Free Marriage Counselling With Every Gallon Purchased’–there are no paint swatches to be had. They are as rare as a paint roller that doesn’t drip.
By mid-November your wife should already have completed the ‘Picking My Colours’ stage and be well into the ‘When The Hell Is The Contractor Going To Show Up? He Said He Would Be Here Two Months Ago!’ stage.
According to a survey of homeowners, there is one telltale sign that your kitchen renovation project is right on schedule. It occurs in mid-December…
The kitchen is torn apart. The single handle faucet and matching pullout dish spraying thingy is on back order. Your Christmas Open House is one week away. This is the ‘Sweating Bullets’ stage and is marked by a significant increase in profanity. Almost–but not quite as bad–as a soccer mom!