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Posted by on Nov 12, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017

Living Retired #216- November 13, 2017



The members of the Association of Airport Baggage Handlers–whose motto is ‘Hey Fred have we dropkicked this suitcase yet?’–are attempting to redirect the focus on the pitfalls of travel.


At a recent training session, baggage handler Sam Sonite (HA! HA!) who holds the record for damaging the most pieces of luggage in an eight-hour shift, provided hands-on practical tips on how to delay passengers luggage from reaching the airport carousel in a timely manner.


At the same meeting, the Associations safety committee took the opportunity to emphasize the importance of wearing steel-toed safety boots to reduce an increase in workplace injuries. Apparently, many baggage handlers routinely dropkick passengers hard-side luggage while wearing their flip-flops! Did I say these workers are male? Enough said.


The sessions concluded with the release of a study entitled ‘Travelling With Middle Age Men Who Always Forget To Pack Extra Underwear.’ The report identifies the major impediments married couples face when they go on vacation–and spend money they don’t have.


The study found that the biggest problems facing travellers isn’t finding a kennel to drop off the dog, providing fake phone numbers to the kids so they can’t call you, or launching a Kickstarter fundraising campaign to purchase out-of-country travel insurance.


The biggest drawback to going on vacation is–get ready–the curling iron!


A curling iron allows women to style their hair, and at the same time, self-administer third degree burns to their forehead–while supporting plastic surgeons in their pursuit of well-stocked wine cellars. Users of curling irons shop for skin-coloured bandages in containers the size of French’s Mustard sold at Costco.


Curling irons also make for lively discussions on the ride to the airport…


“Dear. Did you unplug my curling iron?”


“Honey. It’s YOUR curling iron. How should I know if you unplugged it? You do this EVERY time we go away!”


“Oh I’m sure it’s fine. It shouldn’t be a problem…I guess.”


BAM! Faster than Trump can shoot himself in the foot with another tweet, husbands suddenly execute one of those 3-point turns they learned at driver education–at 70 miles an hour in the middle of a four-lane highway!


“DEAR!! What did you do that for? You could have caused a serious accident! All because of a silly curling iron! I don’t think I feel safe driving in a car with you.”


Holding the steering wheel tighter than grasping their sand wedge after hitting out of a sand trap and right into another, men seal their teeth and lips together, then mutter under their breath, “Can’t we leave well enough alone!”


Soon the car bounces over the curb into the driveway, screeching to a stop–reminiscent of when your kids screamed from the backseat, “Dad pull over I’m gonna puke!”


Minutes later she skips out from the house; and gets into the car. “Yeah I knew it was unplugged.”


It’s a half hour later. You’re down the road–where you were supposed to be thirty minutes ago. You’re trying to make up the time you lost. The flight leaves in an hour.  Traffic is bad. It’s tense in the car. Your wife breaks the silence…


“So, do you like my hair? You didn’t say anything about it when I came back from the hairdresser.”


Silence. It a good thing she can’t read your mind: “Why the hell is she so fixated on her hair! I’m trying to get us to the airport. And all she’s thinking about is her hair! The flight leaves in less than an hour.”


Expect curling irons to become the only topic all day and all night on the cable news television stations. Forget about the Russian intervention in the American election, the latest on North Korea developing nuclear arms, or the Republicans tax reform bill. Instead it’ll be curling irons. Anderson Cooper and Wolf Blitzer will be surrounded by experts arguing about the curling iron and its impact on couples travels.


Even the friggin’ CIA will become involved! Yep, the Curling Iron Association will launch a public relations campaign to protect the interests of the manufacturers of curling irons.


The severity of the situation may affect the financial markets. The United Nations will convene a special meeting. Their job is to debate–that’s all.


Trump? Well we can count on him to say what’s on the minds of everyone in the entire free world: ‘Fake News!’