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Posted by on Oct 29, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired #215- October 30, 2017

Living Retired #215- October 30, 2017



We are in the process of upgrading the windows in our home.


Well, Jan is.


I’m trying to understand the friggin’ quote! Grrrr!


Here’s the problem…


The window installer insists on referring to our ‘family room’ as our ‘television room.’ Plus, he keeps calling the ‘eat-in kitchen’ the ‘dining room.’ And if that’s not enough, he always describes replacing the windows in Jan’s ‘office’, but he calls that room the ‘den.’


It goes on and on…


So what homeowners like myself need–besides a shampoo that automatically disintegrates hair balls in shower stall drains–is a universal system that correctly names the various rooms in the house.


Let’s begin with the living room. Now there’s a misnomer. These days there’s about as much ‘living’ going on in a living room as there is new hair growth on a middle age mans head.


“Jan the quote says he’s replacing the windows in our living room. Which room is our living room: is it the room with the matching leather sofas? I’m confused!”


Jan shrugs. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: the living room is the room you’re only to go in if you’re vacuuming! How many times do I have to tell you?”


Now I’m really confused…


“Jan if it’s called a living room, why don’t we do any living there! Did I ever tell you the last time I actually did any living in a living room?


She rolls her eyes and shrugs…


“I was a kid and we’d lay on the floor in my parents living room watching Bonanza on a black and white television, with my parents eating TV dinners on metal trays decorated with floral motif on casters.”


By now Jan is paying about as much attention to me as I do when she is telling me about leaving the toilet seat up.


“Jan, to change the channel meant having to–get this!–walk over to the television and twist the dial. That’s when Dad would say, “Hey Gary the picture is looking too snowy, can you rotate the antenna. Oops, too far. Now I can’t see anything. Come on hurry Hoss is about to ride off from the Ponderosa.”


Jan isn’t even in earshot but I continue…


“In those days the living room had see-through plastic coverings that you put down to protect the carpet. This was all well and good–until the doorbell rang! Immediately, our parents–remember this was back before they could text ‘OMG’ in emergencies–began their routine because nobody could know that we had see-through plastic liners overtop the carpet!


“Moms job was to welcome our guest and keep them at the front door. Meanwhile, dad would be down in his hands and knees frantically rolling the protective covers up off the floor. Our kids job was to laugh so much at all that was happening–until Vernors Ginger Ale spewed out of our nose all over the carpet! It was madness!”


“The only other time that the see-through plastic protective liners came off was when the bridge club was coming over, or the Minister was stopping by the house.”


Undaunted, I find Jan. She’s in her office–the room the window installer calls the den.


“So dear, when the quote says television room, he’s referring to the room where I spend Sunday’s eating beef jerky watching football?”


“Yes Gary. The room I always remind you to have Febreze.”


To be fair the window installer does get the name of the master bedroom correct–he calls it the master bedroom–DUH!


And just so you know…


The master bedroom is the room formerly known simply as a bedroom. That was back before Martha Stewart had a television show, books and magazines and was called to appear before a senate judicial inquiry accused of making imperfect hospital corners when she made her bed. It was wayyy back when men bought ThighMasters because Suzanne Somers demonstrated them on infomercials.


These days middle age men don’t bother trying to pull the ThighMaster out from under the bed–because even if we can get down on our hands and knees, there’s no way we’re getting back up!