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Posted by on Oct 21, 2017 in Gary Chalk, Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017

Living Retired #214- October 23, 2017



The ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ has released a report that gives us something to chew on.


Pushing their chairs back after scarfing down a Denny’s ‘Grand Slam Breakfast’–and collectively belching like the kids drinking soda pop at your sons birthday party–the dolts with the ‘Association of Idiots Who Have Nothing Better To Do Than Study Food Trends’ concluded: kale and pomegranate are passé. Its time to make way for pumpkins!


In their report, entitled: ‘Pumpkin Palooza: Proliferation of Pumpkins’, the Association points to the present pumpkin phenomena.


They indicated that the trend to ‘everything pumpkin’ coincided about the time teachers returned from their 10-week summer vacation–so the kids could go back to school. Since then, everything known to mankind has been put through a highly mechanized process, which in technical terms, is called ‘pumpkinized.’


There’s no escaping it. Every one of us–even the Kardashians!–have been pumpkinized!


Take this morning…


I awoke early to take the garbage out to the curb–making sure I tightened the twist ties on our orange coloured, pumpkin-scented plastic garbage bags.


Back inside, I shaved with pumpkin enriched shaving gel. Cleaned my teeth using pumpkin flavoured toothpaste. Then it was into the shower where I used pumpkin hand soap, pumpkin shampoo and pumpkin conditioner. I carefully dried using the seasonal bath towel with its pumpkin motif. I drew the line: no pumpkin scented toilet tissue!


Emerging from the bathroom–with the stench of pumpkin emanating from my body–Jan threw a pillow over her head saying, “Dear, what on earth have you done? You stink to high heaven of pumpkin. There’s even a swarm of fruit flies circling your head!”


Breakfast: pumpkin shredded wheat with pumpkin bread and pumpkin jelly. Of course pumpkin flavoured coffee.


Naturally, this proliferation of pumpkins pleases pumpkin producers–but poses problems for police patrols already plagued with petty politics of policing.


Private Peter Pullston of the Pittsburgh Police politely pronounced, “Police patrolling pumpkin patches is problematic. The pervasiveness of pumpkins may possibly provide pressure on patrolmen in their pursuit of public peace.”


Meanwhile, the Producers of Organic Pumpkins–POOP–is pleasantly pleased.


“Pumpkin producers are pleased, pumped, and proud as punch,” POOP president Paul Plaid politely preached after attending a Pittsburgh Penguins playoff game. “Previously, pumpkin pie prices plummeted which was problematic for the pie purveyors. Promising prices are prevalent so there’s a possibility of a payroll payout.”


On the other hand, the Federation of Agricultural Research Teams–FART–provoked pumpkin producers. Phil Inn–substituting for Pedro Pinkerton the president of FART pontificated, “Pullease! The previous precarious position of plentiful pumpkins can no longer be promised and we can not prognosticate a picture perfect prognosis.”


The possible profits from pumpkins, although only partly proven, has pugnacious politicians, particularly the pompous president, poking and prodding the proliferation of pumpkins and plans of private producers. Public policy will probably be presented to pumpkin producers that will promote pumpkin pulp as a problematic plight on the public, particularly in Philadelphia Pennsylvania.


Private processors of pumpkin pulp have indicated the plentiful proceeds of the past to their program, will possibly become pathetic. Hence, they are promoting their porous protocols, and instead urging pumpkin producers to practice proficiency in the patch.


Pleading paltry profits, particularly compared to the poultry producers, POOP is placing pressure on politicians.


“Permit me to promote that it’s possibly plausible that we can prove in a podcast–presently being produced–the poor profits of the past for pumpkin producers,” Peter Piper, POOP Plaintiff proclaimed.




Pumpkin Palooza has also caught the attention of the American Alliance of Allowable Alliteration (AAAA).


Anita Anderson, administrator, advised her associates, “ALRIGHT ALREADY!!!”