Living Retired #210- September 4, 2017
IF A MAN’S HOME IS HIS CASTLE,
WHY DO THE TOILETS BACK UP?
WARNING: Reading the following will create a disgusting image in your mind. Some things aren’t very pretty. I’m just saying…
I was showering, dancing– see WARNING above– screaming at the top of my lungs the anthem that every middle age guy sings: Born To Be Wild…
‘Got your motor runnin’ (deep guttural animalistic sounds here),
Head out on the highway,
Lookin’ for adventure (more deep guttural animalistic sounds here),
And whatever comes our way.
Born to be wiiiillllld! Born to be wiiiillllldd!! Born… to… be……. wiilllllllllddddd!!!!’
Then, in a realistic rock and roll tantrum I smashed the living bejeebers out of my air guitar on the tub surround!
But then it happened…
I realized what this world needs isn’t more foreign-trained doctors driving taxis! What we desperately need is a shampoo that also automatically attacks and disintegrates hair balls gooping up the shower stall drain.
Think about it…
Why just use Ph balanced shampoo with extract of organic rainforest dung to eliminate dandruff, heal split ends, and add volume to your hair?
Wouldn’t it be better if there was a shampoo that gave you Cindy Crawford hair AND tackled those unsightly gobs of tractor tire-sized balls of hair plugging the drain? ZAP! I’m talking as fast as when your beer vanishes when your kids come back from college.
Not to be a bathroom braggart, but over the years I’ve become somewhat of a go-to guy when it comes to anything ‘bathroom.’ I take great pride in a clean toilet bowl, a streak-free mirror, and fake candles arranged on a bed of plastic rose petals at the tub.
Just like CNN has their go-to industry experts they interview when a major crisis happens in the world, I could be called upon when a catastrophe occurs in America’s bathrooms.
“Hi. I’m Wolf Blitzer and you are in The Situation Room. Joining me is Gary Chalk who is an expert on how to avoid using harsh chemical cleaners in the bathroom and replacing 1960-era turquoise blue padded toilet seats.”
“Thanks for having me Wolf. I also authored the book ‘100 Uses For Denture Cream.'”
So let me pass along a couple of things I’ve learned about the master ensuite– the room formerly known as the master bathroom; it’s the room where guys roll around on the floor, grimacing, after tripping over decorator pillows in the middle of the night when they get up to pee!
First of all, the master ensuite is never, ever up-to-date!
In the olden days– before reverse mortgages were advertised on decorating shows on cable television– one sink in the bathroom was all that was needed. Nowadays, two sinks are recommended. But here’s my suggestion: you can’t go wrong by installing 3 sinks. If the designers think you’re nuts arrange some dead twigs and leaves in the extra sink and call it potpourri.
To determine if your bathroom ensuite is in need of a do-over, take the following quiz. If you answer ‘yes’ to the questions you need to meet with your banker, then proceed to the design stage where you ‘pick your colours.’ Here’s the test…
Question #1: You are driving on a busy freeway. As you post a photo of your new hairdo on Facebook, and respond to emails with ‘LOL’ you receive an ‘Alert’ from Houzz. Do you immediately enlarge the photo of the homeowners vintage white claw foot soaking tub?
Question # 2: Is your idea of a date night driving your wife to Home Depot and holding hands in the plumbing department ogling single-flush elongated toilet bowls with soft-close seats and fully glazed inner trap-ways?
Here’s something else I’ve picked up on about the master ensuite..
Anyone with a brain the size of a fully mature Chia pet, knows the toilet is the bathroom fixture most prone to bursting and sending water everywhere. This will occur precisely thirty minutes before you are hosting a dinner party.
So I recommend homeowners have the name of a plumber on their speed dial. Or, failing that, a monthly retainer with a home restoration company.
If you’re wondering how you will know you have a plumbing problem, understand that it always begins the same way….
You will be in the room furthest from the ensuite when your wife will suddenly let out a bloodcurdling scream, “Dear come to the ensuite fast. I mean REAL fast!!!”
Any sane guy would trip going down the stairs to his workshop– the room with the workbench hidden under boxes of Christmas wrapping paper and a bread maker in its original box– to grab the plunger!
Hobbling back up the stairs, the dog yelps when you step on his tail! Then, entering the ensuite you slip on a small oval-shaped Pier 1 scatter mat.
If you are lucky, you will discover that there is no water gushing from the toilet! Instead your wife will utter those seven words that every man has heard all his life:
“Dear! You left the toilet seat up!”
OMG!!! Call the toilet police.