Living Retired #197- May 29, 2017
THE ‘THIRTY, THIRTY’ METHOD OF BUYING GARDEN MULCH.
Want a great way to send the guy next door right over the top?
I mean so bad that he completely loses it like Sean Spicer at a White House press briefing?
You’re going to love this; it is so bad. Here’s what you do…
Arrange to have a load of garden mulch dropped off at the end of your driveway on a Saturday morning. Then, stand near your phone…
Ring. Ring. Ring…
“Gary! I was about to go golfing with my buddies. Now my wife wants me to spread mulch on our gardens! Thanks a lot pal!” Click.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Better yet. Imagine if you could time it ‘just right!’ There would be mountains of mulch blocking every driveway on the street! None of the guys could go golfing.
Garden mulch is a gardeners version of that Ron Popeil invention: Hair-In-A-Can. You can’t grow flowers in the beds, so you cover up everything with mulch.
Hey wait! Not so fast Mr. Weed Whacker!
Spreading mulch is hard, manual, backbreaking work. It’s why hospitals are bursting at the seems these days. Doctors have more middle age men ‘in traction’ from spreading mulch, than they have guys recovering from toe amputation surgery after cleaning their deck with a pressure washer!
There are two ways of getting your mulch.
Most guys have tried the ‘Thirty, Thirty’ method. This is when you drive to the garden nursery and load thirty- count ’em- thirty plastic bags weighing thirty pounds each into your trunk. Been there; done that!
You can always spot a fellow doing the ‘Thirty, Thirty’ method of getting mulch! He’s the idiot driving at 10 miles an hour with his four-way emergency flashers blinking. His car has flames shooting 30 feet into the sky from his rear bumper scraping the asphalt! Behind, is a motorcade of infuriated drivers– golfers trying to make their tee time– leaning out their window screening obscenities!
The ‘Thirty, Thirty’ method comes with a guarantee: EVERY neighbour will be on their front porch when you reach your street. Moms are scurrying to get their kids from harms way. And they should be wary: your back bumper is dragging on the pavement, while the front of the car stretches so high up in the air that you have to crane your head out the drivers window to see where you’re going!
The ‘Thirty, Thirty’ method has been proven to upset wives. As you smash the car over the curb into your driveway, women have been known to scream, “Dear did it ever cross your mind what this means to me ever being invited next door to play bridge again?”
WOW! ‘Thirty, thirty pound bags of mulch IS a lot to slug from the trunk to the gardens.
About now I’m sure many women are about to say, “Gary, you guys don’t get it! Have you ever considered having a load delivered to the driveway? DUH!”
Well hold on Mrs. 7-Piece All-In-One Garden Tool Set with Interchangeable Handles!
Guys have tried that before and it’s not easy…
“Dear I had a load of mulch dumped on the driveway. You weren’t planning on taking your car out of the garage for the next, err, week or so were you?”
Everyone always asks how big is a load? Good question. Think of it this way…
A load of mulch is enough to reach up to the basketball hoop that’s been on a 45-degree angle since the kids left for college.
Child protection agencies frown upon having your grandchildren beside you when the dump truck rumbles back out your street, and 10 minutes later the dust finally settles and you open your eyes and scream ‘#€¥#!’
The Mulch Manual says ‘DO NOT CONSUME BEER WHILE SPREADING MULCH.’ But of course men don’t read manuals, which explains why when you’re done there’s a trail of mulch stretching all the way from every garden bed back to the driveway!
Word of warning! No matter what you do DO NOT ask your wife to help wheelbarrow the mulch to the gardens. In fact it’s best if she doesn’t see the mulch until you are all done– and your muscles are sore. She may take sympathy on you…
“Dear!! Why did you get plain brown mulch? I specifically said to get chocolate brown mulch; something that will match the pillows on our patio set and contrast with the mortar in the house bricks!”
“And dear this looks like shredded bark. I wanted bark chips. Organic!”
“You’ll have to take this back.”
At this point it’s important to remain calm. Don’t make matters worse…
When you heave the garden pitchfork make sure that you limit its damage: aim it towards the cedar fence!
Gary Chalk, a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week 3000 people Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote address, ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press
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