Living Retired #193 – May 1, 2017
FILING INCOME TAX LEADS TO CRITICAL ILLNESS!
It used to be that preparing your income tax was a pain in the butt.
But now it’s worse; way worse.
Today, taxpayers– who are honestly just trying to ‘fudge the truth’ when they complete their income tax form– are being affected by what healthcare experts call: ‘Severe Hatred of Income Tax Syndrome- SHITS.’
People who have suffered from SHITS say that it comes on very quickly. Ralph Snitsonberg who lives in Elephant Butte New Mexico put it this way…
“Yeah, I’m telling you one moment I was fine. And then ‘BAM!’ I was down for the count. I didn’t know what hit me!”
Here’s what I mean…
You’ve been in your home office working away for hours on your income tax form. Finally you reach the end. Right there in large black letters it says: ‘SUBMIT THIS AMOUNT.’
At this point every reasonably healthy baby boomer– at least those taking prescription medication for cholesterol, high blood pressure, reflux, irritable bowel syndrome and with an acceptable daily fibre intake– stares in disbelief at their income tax form!
Next, they turn pale and develop uncontrollable shakes– sort of like the Democrats when Trump was elected.
Then they scream, “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COME UP WITH THAT MUCH MONEY??”
Immediately your spouse knows you’ve got the SHITS. It happened last year, the year before, and even the year before that. This time she has run out of patience and completely loses it! It’s not that she becomes a zombie-like creature. It’s worse: she is totally irrational like she’s a United Airlines flight attendant.
First she screams ‘OMG.’ Then she alerts her friends that you’ve come down with the SHITS. She sends an email to everyone, using the worst words she can muster: ‘:-[.’ and that 4-letter word soccer moms use: ‘>:-(‘.
Next she posts a message on her Facebook page and Tweets to her followers. AND THEN she grabs her iPhone and takes a selfie standing in front of the new kitchen cabinets with banker handles.
Scientists figure that the SHITS is due to very strict laws the government has in place: income tax cheaters can be sentenced to life imprisonment in a government-operated penitentiary where staff provide nourishing meals seven days a week, weekly laundry service, and lifelong medical care.
The theory of paying income tax goes like this…
People who have some money left over after paying for the necessities of life– groceries, transportation and Netflix– send this money to the government. In turn, the government uses the money to provide services to less fortunate people who have come across difficult times– professional football players whose careers were impacted by mandatory drug testing.
Of course the ‘theory’ of an income tax fell apart because the government appointed consultants to work out the details. It was up to these folks to develop a policy to ensure that before the money was deposited into the bank accounts of the professional athletes that A) the athletes were not already in jail, and B) 50% is skimmed off the top for lobbyists.
Now in case you think I am being overly cynical about paying taxes, remember that everything is set out in the income tax act that goes back to the year 1200 BC– Before Cher– which is about as long as Americans have been asking their politicians to get something done.
The income tax act was written back when most people had a steady income– and they didn’t have to moonlight at a fast food restaurant to afford their lottery tickets.
Paying your income tax is the time of year tax officials use words like ‘dependant’, ‘capital gain’, ‘net income’ and ‘submit this amount.’ Citizens use the word: ‘loopholes.’
Americans taxpayers have developed a loophole to reduce the amount of money they owe this year when completing their income tax form…
Maiden name: Trump. Last tax submission: 1998. Declared bankruptcy: 4 times.
Canadians on the other hand have developed a loophole of their own this year…
Maiden name: Trudeau. Last tax submission: filed at a private Caribbean island.
When completing your income tax and sending in a cheque for the money you owe to keep the government operating, take into consideration some of the programs the government gives us in return: mandatory, long-version census forms with important questions such as: How many legal dependants residing in your household dye their hair like Wayne Newton?
Let’s get back to your spouse who responds to your screams…
She comes running to the den– admiring the ceramic tile in the foyer. She takes one look at you– and mutters under her breath something about now she knows why the kids are ugly!– and calls 9-1-1.
“Yes. I have a medical emergency. My husband has been working on our income tax return. He’s shaking uncontrollably and he’s turned pale white– Benjamin Moore lily of the valley; ideal for baseboards. Can you send an ambulance? I think he’s got the SHITS.”
“Madame, we have dispatched an ambulance. I will remain on the phone. Is Benjamin Moore lily of the valley paint oil-based? I need a paint that is smudge proof.”
Gary Chalk a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week over 3,000 people dead Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press
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