Living Retired #189- April 3, 2017
TOP 5 CONVERSATIONS COUPLES HAVE WHEN THEY TRAVEL
The Luggage Zipper Council of America– whose motto is: ‘Way More Is Way Better!’– has discovered the top 5 conversations every couple has when they go on vacation.
The findings are published in their report entitled: ‘Women Are From Planet Matching Soft-Sided Luggage; Men Are From Planet Missing In Action When Packing.’
The first page of the report describes preparing for the vacation….
Wives are in charge of packing. This is because– and this is a little known fact– women have a specific gene in their DNA that instinctively kicks in two months before leaving: they begin laying out their clothing on the bed in the guest bedroom.
By the time the airport limousine arrives women will have managed to pack sufficient clothing for four complete wardrobe changes– including shoes (flip flops, casual shoes, dress shoes, and 2 pairs of slippers), jewelry (costume; evening), and purses (day tote bag, day clutch bag, shoulder bag, leather satchel, evening makeup bag, and evening clutch purse) for each day of a 14 day trip! AND they continue to honour the Women’s Wardrobe Pledge to NEVER EVER wear the same outfit twice.
Now many woman are probably screaming, “Yes Gary but what do men do to help get ready for a trip?”
Well, all I can say is, “Hold onto your matching, two-piece, soft-sided luggage with 17 miles of zippers! Not so fast.”
Married men don’t get off scott free getting ready to go away. We spend the time worrying. The only thought on a guys mind is: WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO TALK ABOUT TO MY WIFE FOR THE NEXT 14 DAYS???
But I am here to tell my fellow male travellers– wearing the new relax-fit, no-iron pants and 2-button golf shirt our wives bought for us to wear on the plane– it turns out there is plenty to talk about.
According to the Luggage Zipper Council of America survey, the first conversation begins when the airport transportation service drops you, your wife, and the luggage at the terminal…
“Dear, did you unplug my curling iron in the bathroom?”
“Jeez honey! It’s your curling iron! You do this every time we go away!”
“No I’m pretty sure I unplugged it… I think.”
This conversation escalates to the next level: the Silent Standoff. This is when couples cannot stand to look at each other for fear of launching into a physical altercation that Baby Rocco of Roller Derby would appreciate.
Finally you’re onboard the plane; getting ready for takeoff…
You get up and down to the overhead storage compartment to store your sports jacket, to get a sweater, to put the sweater back, to retrieve the sports jacket, to get a book, to get earphones for your iPad, to get jujubes for takeoff, to get back up for more jujubes.
This is when couples have their second conversation…
“Honey, how do I turn my iPad to Airplane Mode? When I slide the button to the right it turns green. To me that means it’s on, but don’t they want my iPad off? Who invented this thing anyway?”
Time to take a big breath…
“Dear, every time we fly we go through this! When you change the setting to Airplane Mode you’re turning it on, which means the button is green. Think of green as being go.”
Couples have their third conversation at the hotel.
“Honey, you didn’t pack my underwear.”
“Look, the ONLY THING I asked you to do was to pack your socks and underwear! I did absolutely everything else so we could take this trip– I’ve been packing for two months. All I wanted you to do was to pack some measly underwear. That’s all!!”
“Settle down dear. I’ll be fine– we’re only away for two weeks.”
The first clue that you’re unpacked is when you realize you’ve already drained the hotel bar fridge. Who sets the prices for liquor and wine in those fridges? OPEC?
It is time for the fourth conversation…
“Dear, to turn Airplane Mode off do I slide the button to the left? Which will mean the button isn’t green anymore; it’s no colour. So it is on? Or off? I’m telling you whoever invented this stuff simply didn’t take into account typical users like me?”
From over on the bed….
“Dear, I can never remember. Do we want ‘Roaming’ on or off? I don’t want to do what happened last time when you told me the wrong thing and when we got home there was a voicemail message that said we owed so much that we couldn’t afford to pay off our Christmas VISA bill.”
“WHAT I TOLD YOU!!!! What are you taking about? You’re the one who left it on!!!”
Which brings us to the fifth conversation…
“Honey. Did you pack the chargers for our cellphone and the iPad. All I remember is last time you forgot them?”
So there you have it. The first day of your trip and already five conversations.
Guys, by this time your wife is probably thinking, “What’s gotten into him? He’s paying attention and talking like he enjoys being with me. Hmm. Maybe he will hold my hand when we are walking.”
Gary Chalk, a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week over 3,000 people across North America read Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press.