Living Retired #186- March 16, 2017

I SURVIVED A CRUISE SHIPS ALCOHOL BEVERAGE PACKAGE!

Today is Day 1 of a Caribbean cruise, AKA: ’12 Days To Transform Your Body Into A Fall Flat On Your Face & Act Stupid Alcoholic State.’

I am not alone.

There are 2,500 other like-minded, reasonably intelligent baby boomers– all of us on the ships beverage package, AKA: ‘an accelerated plan to donate your liver to science.’

The beverage package does have its limitations though. You just can’t drink until you start acting downright stupid like Donald Trump signing executive orders barring Rosie O’Donnell from Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast.

Let’s be fair. The authorities took great care designing the onboard beverage package to prevent alcoholism. They set a limit: only 15 drinks a day- 30 drinks per couple- throughout the 12 day cruise. Do the math: this is 360 alcoholic beverages in 12 days!

Jan wasn’t sold though…

“Gary, you do realize 360 drinks in less than two weeks means we will be on vacation AND reducing our consumption of wine and beer at the SAME TIME!”

After some sobering thoughts we reluctantly agreed to the ‘360 Alcoholic Drinks In 12-Days Beverage Package.’ Our thinking was that it would give us a taste of what it would be like to enrol in the Betty Ford Clinic.

Boarding the ship in Ft. Lauderdale was uneventful…

Jan and a thousand other women are off and running on their ‘360 Alcoholic Drinks In 12-Days Beverage Package.’ They’re up on the Sea View Deck wearing colourful cotton print dresses and big oversize floppy sun hats to protect them from the hot Florida sun– dancing with the Captain and spilling tropical drinks laced with champagne, singing Beach Boys songs while doing the limbo.

Meanwhile…

Down on the pier, a thousand husbands are sweating like we’ve been at a hot yoga class! We’re hauling tons of luggage– with wheels that go in every direction except the direction we’re headed.

Who the hell invented telescopic handles for luggage that allow travellers to drag their suitcases behind them– two Counties back!

Some guy– I believe from Paduka Kentucky– extended the telescopic handle on his wife’s 4-wheel oversized shoe suitcase when he unloaded the car on the 3rd level of the airport parking terminal. Now he is at the pier and his luggage at the other end of the telescopic handle is nowhere in sight.

We haven’t even boarded the ship and already middle age men are threatening mutiny: our hands are bleeding from dragging matching, soft sided luggage. OMG! Some guy wearing a shower curtain– oh sorry it’s a Hawaiian shirt– is sobbing because he may not be able to participate in the cruise directors Japanese origami paper folding class.

Two of the passengers– they’re from Tuscaloosa Alabama– approached a guy wearing a fur hat that resembled a pregnant squirrel nestled on his head with Eskimo mukluks on his feet and asked, “Where are you from?” He responded, “Saskatoon Saskatchewan.” They shrugged, figured he didn’t speak English.

It is now Day 7…

We are on target towards our quota in the ‘360 Alcoholic Drinks In 12-Days Beverage Package.’  It’s been a week of alcoholic-induced headaches. That damn steel drum ‘musician’ has been hammering incessantly at a reclaimed oil drum from the Gulf oil disaster. My head can’t take anymore of ‘Who Let The Dawgs Out!’

Last night was the Champagne Art Auction. The purpose of a Champagne Art Auction is to 1) promote the sale of the works of unknown struggling artists; which is accomplished by 2) consuming champagne! The next morning successful bidders look at the painting they bought, then throw up Moët & Chandon Brut.

Women sip the onboard Drink of The Day– a low carb, naturally sweetened, fat free, gluten free, low salt, organic, free trade, made with all natural juices, no water added, blend of hormone-free, free range fruits, veggies and kale scraps. Then…

It is time for another shipboard favourite: ‘Trunk Sale: 2 Tee Shirts for $20.’ This is where intelligent middle age women– now in the second week of the ‘360 Alcoholic Drinks in 12-Days Beverage Package’– pound the crap out of other intelligent middle age women to grab the deal of the ‘Trunk Sale: 2 Tee Shirts for $20’ and purchase a $35 sweatshirt with a matching $15 tee shirt. HUH??

We’ve made it to Day 9…

We are on still track with our ‘360 Alcoholic Drinks In 12-Days Beverage Package.’ Everything is cool…

Herlow. Wee ark havingk a grate tyme on zee bote cruz. Wee tend tooo schleeep inn afta gettink back tooo are cabeen lait eash nite.

Lash nite I didd a face plant intoo de guacamole dip at de mudnite boofet! Jan tryed too heelp butt shee unded upp crawlingk on ze Lido deckk afta doink ze Macarena wid ze foist ossifer!

Butt denn eat happpinedd. Ittt wuss de hillite uf are cruzze.

KUTFSSAA. Annfsbe22.#%Szxd€€!!!!!

Zzzzzzzzzz……

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Gary Chalk, a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week 3,000 people across North America read Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote address ‘I Don’t have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press

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