Living Retired #184- February 20, 2017
A DUMMIES GUIDE TO DOWNHILL SKIING
Today, let’s take a break from the pressing matters of everyday life– the cost of electricity, the cost of health insurance, and adult onset toe fungus.
Instead, let’s reminisce of the carefree time of our youth…
Every Saturday afternoon we’d watch the opening of Wide World of Sports on television. Guys would howl laughing– until Coke sprayed out our nose– rolling on our parents lime green shag carpet watching some klutz on skis bounce head over heals down the Alps mountainside. If we had iPhones back then we’d text LOL!
That’s why seniors don’t ski: they already know how difficult it is to get back up when you fall down! Besides, today we drink Diet Coke, and with chronic sinusitis it doesn’t create the same effect on engineered hardwood flooring.
The definition of skiing is ‘the act of throwing oneself down the side of a steep mountain, and living to tell the emergency room doctor that you don’t want to be put on life support.’
Skiing has been around longer than gooey marshmallow Fluff– which was a staple for seniors when they were kids. Unfortunately, skiing can permanently paralyze a person’s body into a substance similar to gooey marshmallow Fluff.
Skiing dates back to early German times high up in the Bavarian Alps…
Guys celebrating Oktoberfest awoke from their drunken stupor and noticed how ridiculous they looked wearing leather Lederhosen shorts! Mobile devices hadn’t been invented, so they couldn’t text OMG! Instead, they imitated Japanese kamikaze pilots hurling themselves down the mountain where they joined other Germans who were too drunk to laugh at their skinny legs!
Researchers studying skiing have discovered that the sport attracts people who have two specific human traits: 1) a high pain threshold, and, 2) consume ridiculous amounts of alcohol. Ironically, more recently, these are the identical traits found among people living in the United States called Democrats.
As long as there have been skiers, there have been orthopaedic surgeons. In fact the expression ‘Break a leg!’ is contained in the medical terminology course orthopaedic surgeons are taught. They also receive training on how to greet a hospital patient: “Hi. I’m the orthopaedic surgeon. Do you have medical insurance?”
Apparently some lonely guy holed up for a couple of years now at the head office of Wikileaks– obviously a country with ineffective Ambassadors– released secret emails that identifies orthopaedic surgeons as the Official Sponsor of Skiing.
Yessir. It’s those orthopaedic surgeons with their ads that say, ‘Go ahead and ski. We’ll be here when you can’t walk anymore. Call 1-800-Leg-Broke. Ha! Ha! Ha!’
I was reminded that it is ski season yesterday…
I stopped in to purchase a couple of bottles of wine. Shouldn’t be a problem right?
Well, not so fast Mr. Oenophile with your full-bodied Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc with its intense gooseberry flavours and rich textural palate that pairs well with shellfish!
Inside the store everybody was pushing shopping carts they’d stolen from Home Depot and Lowe’s– you know those big rigs that require you to have your commercial transport license.
In amongst the section of New World wines– which features wineries who replaced traditional corks with screw tops– I came across a shopper with his son standing on a small step stool in the cart. Because his father couldn’t reach down far enough to put the bottles into the cart, the kid was the interim step.
As it turned out, the shoppers were stocking up with multiple crates of craft beer, PLUS complete cases of wine, PLUS 40-ounce bottles of rye, rum, vodka and gin, PLUS fruit-flavoured shooters. You see these folks were going skiing– for the weekend!!
Now before I am accused of being anti-skier, please realize I have nothing against the weekend warriors who keep the med-evac helicopter industry busy during the winter. I mean if it weren’t for the skiers wiping out every evergreen tree that’s ever grown on a mountain slope, our countries arborists wouldn’t have jobs. Instead they’d be driving empty taxis in large cities complaining about Ubur.
The reason skiers drink is to get their nerve up to ski! Besides, all that alcohol washes away the memories of how much it cost: skis, poles, boots, clothes and a helmet. And the alcohol serves as a natural analgesic for frostbite.
Once outfitted, it’s time for skiers to do their impersonation of ‘Eddie The Eagle’ at the Calgary Olympics: flying out of control going down the mountain screaming and flailing their arms with their eyes bulging out of their head like they accidentally crossed their wires doing home electrical work!
Many seniors have fond memories of riding the ski lift up the mountain. That’s why they enjoy watching those late night commercials on cable television– you know the ads that show seniors with a stairlift going up to the second floor.
With their very own home stairlift built into the staircase, seniors strap themselves into the seat, push the ‘Start’ button and slowly ride up to the second floor– all the while sipping a vodka and dry vermouth martini!
At the top of the stairs it’s time for their Metamucil.
Now that’s living!
Gary Chalk, a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week 3,000 people across North America read Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press
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