Living Retired #182- February 6, 2017
OMG! WE’RE HAVING A WEATHER EVENT!
There is hope for little children who tell lies.
They become weather forecasters and tell big lies!
It starts when they enrol at a prestigious university. After four years surviving on cheap beer and imitation fish sticks they graduate– alcohol dependant, with high cholesterol!
With degree in hand, they qualify for an unpaid internship.
Eventually they’ll move back home– where they enjoy their parents farmed salmon and craft beer– before returning again to school. This time it’s a community college where they can take real courses to obtain the necessary skills to get a job.
Don’t get me wrong.
I don’t have anything against people who predict the weather. It’s just that they get to make things up and say whatever they want. I mean who else has that kind of power– other than Trump?
At the University of State Community College School of Meteorology & Advanced Clip-In Hair Extensions the studies are rigorous. Students need to become proficient in explaining the weather to the rest of us who can’t tell a high pressure system from a sump pump.
To become ‘WTF (weather television forecaster) Certified’ students complete four courses…
1. ‘Predicting Partly Cloudy Conditions’ (PPCC);
2. ‘Predicting Partly Sunny Conditions’ (PPSC);
3. ‘Applied Hair Spray’ (AHS); and
4. ‘Advanced Teeth Whitening’ (ATW).
Students also learn the longstanding tradition of naming storms. This goes back to the days when forecasters gathered at the Employee of the Month presentation to honour the person who had the most inaccurate forecast! Afterwards, celebrating at a bar, they’d pick a name– usually their ex-wife–for the next killer hurricane.
It’s not that the trained weather guessers aren’t properly equipped to get it right. Their Ouija boards have been replaced. Nowadays you’ll hear them refer to their new sophisticated computerized European weather models: the French version of Men’s Health Magazine.
Recently, weather forecasters have begun hedging their bets. They are using different terminology. And its this new terminology that’s creating havoc across the country. It’s trending second only to the Kardashians toe fungus!
Here’s what I mean…
Last night the television weather specialist– the person with coiffed hair and perfect teeth– pointed toward the colourful graphics on the screen that indicated accumulating heavy snow accompanied by blizzard winds. Holding what looked like a LiftMaster garage door opener in his hand, he peered into the camera, got downright serious and said, “Tonight I’m forecasting… A WEATHER EVENT.”
Since when do you call a snowstorm A WEATHER EVENT??
Everybody– even your typical beer drinking grade nine student knows that when it snows you call it a snowstorm!
Teachers also call it a snow storm because that means the roads are too treacherous for everyone to get to school. Parents scramble to make arrangements for their children to spend the day at the mall; teachers jump in their cars and head to the nearest ski slope.
Having A WEATHER EVENT is making things difficult for couples…
“Dear, have you heard what the weather is for tomorrow?”
“Yeah. We’re having A WEATHER EVENT.”
Silence. “HUH?”
If that’s not bad. Consider the plight of political leaders..
Whenever there is a major storm the politicians organize a news conference to advise citizens. At the podium the heads of the various emergency response teams flank the mayor. The mayor is dressed in official ‘Holy Crap We’ve Got An Emergency!’ garb: an Army Surplus shirt– with buttoned shoulder epaulettes.
“I am advising all our citizens to pay heed. Our area is going to take a direct hit from… A WEATHER EVENT.”
Silence. All the emergency preparedness workers are at a loss for words. What’s A WEATHER EVENT? The sign language interpreter spells out ‘HUH?’ by using the international symbol for ‘doofus’: smacking the side of her forehead.
The phrase ‘A WEATHER EVENT’ causes people to do what they have been trained to do: hoard plywood. Others make a mental list of the immediate things that need to be done in advance of A WEATHER EVENT. They text: OMG!
Don’t get tricked. A WEATHER EVENT is a snow job. I’m just saying.
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Gary Chalk, a retired baby boomer, is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week 3,000 people across North America read Living Retired. To ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote address ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press
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