Living Retired #181- January 30, 2017
TRUMP REVIVES TED MACK AMATEUR HOUR
I had the worst dream ever.
It began with President Trump signing his first executive order. Just like that, he resurrected an old American classic television show: The Ted Mack Amateur Hour.
White House officials said that the President wanted to ‘provide opportunities for Americans to make a name for themselves.’
“A 2017 version of The Ted Mack Amateur Hour gives a platform for millions of everyday folks to catch a break.”
Quickly, Trumps communication director pointed out that the ‘millions’ is more like ‘bazillions!’ I took that as a reference to Bush 43.
I know during the campaign, Trump vowed to fill vacant positions in the judiciary. But appointing judges for an amateur talent show!
In my dream Vladimir Putin accepted the position as a judge for the revived variety show. He said, “I will draw on my vast experience schmoozing with the judges at the Sochi Olympics.”
Additional judges were interviewed. However, the number of qualified people had diminished because Republicans refused to increase the minimum wage.
Dining on caviar served on gold etched plates in a posh restaurant in Washington’s tony Georgetown district, the officials who requested anonymity, refused to make further comments fearing they’d splash Californian wine over their suits.
My dream got downright scary…
The President hastily launched the new Ted Mack Amateur Hour on the first weekend of his presidency.
The first contestant was a rather scared-looking individual. He looked like a kid whose overbearing parents wanted desperately to see their son on television.
The contestant walked onto the stage and introduced himself as a communications person. He proceeded to show off his skills by conducting a press conference for the national press.
Apparently, his nerves got to him, and five minutes into his skit he immediately left the stage.
The judges were left scratching their heads. Had he not been told that the purpose of a press conference is to answer questions from reporters?
In the end the judges scored him high marks for his originality. “You gotta hand it to the guy– he’s got cahoonas– for attempting to pull the wool over the media.”
But there was confusion among the judges. They convened behind closed doors in their chambers.
Their problem: should the performance be marked as a comedy? Or a drama? Ultimately– over objections from the French judge who indicated she’d never participated in a contest where she hadn’t received bling– the judges suggested the first performer muster up his nerve again and come back and enter in the Farce category.
My dream didn’t end there…
The second contestant on the show was an attractive, confident performer who took control of the stage with her sheer presence.
She smiled at the judging panel, saying, “Hi. I’m here to perform a skit as a Presidential Advisor.”
With the nation as the studio audience she proceeded to unload her schtick.
And then it happened…
She blurted out, “We have alternate facts.”
My dream ended with a tweet from the president: I’m not watching this show anymore. It reminds me of Saturday Night Live!
I awoke. It wasn’t a dream. It was a nightmare.
Gary Chalk, a retired baby boomer, is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week 3,000 people throughout North America read Living Retired. To ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote address, ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press
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