Living Retired 173- December 5, 2016
10 TIPS TO CELEBRATE A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS
Look around. The telltale signs of Christmas are everywhere.
For instance go to a shopping mall– park your vehicle nearby in an adjacent County. Inside– while you’re standing in line to have a photo of your pet dog dressed in a silly pink tutu with imitation antlers on its head– take a minute to gaze at all the decorations.
These decorations were installed before Halloween. It’s just that they now share space with huge banners promoting Pre-Summer Sales.
Hey call me old fashioned. But I’m yearning for an old fashion, traditional Christmas this year. So here are my ’10 Tips To Celebrate A Traditional Christmas’…
1. Download the Traditional Christmas App. With so many things to be done the new Christmas App should be downloaded. This way, you won’t forget a thing because the Christmas App will send you automatic updates on all your devices. In fact the Christmas App will even alert you first thing each morning to where you repositioned Elf on the Shelf the night before.
2. Put up the artificial Christmas tree. It’s stored down in the basement, behind the furnace. Pre-decorated in colours that match your room decor, the great thing about an artificial Christmas tree is its ‘plug and play’ feature. You plug the cord into an outlet and you’re done. Some of these artificial Christmas trees are so lifelike that they feature a crooked trunk and bare spots the size of Utah! Need a new artificial tree this year? Here’s what I saw at the store: a ‘feel-real’ spruce hinged tree (easy assembly) or a ‘just cut’ artificial spruce tree with LED lights that change colour with the accompanying remote control or foot pedal. Come on!!
3. Decorate the fireplace mantle. Nothing is easier than hanging some lead-free, fire-retardant plastic Ivy over the fireplace. Again, plug the cord into an outlet and miniature lights that are supposed to blink, blink sometimes.
4. Manufactured Christmas log for the fireplace. These phoney Christmas logs are guaranteed to look natural and like it says on the wrapper will smell ‘just like fresh pine’… before your dog squatted beside it!
5. Hang a ‘looks real’ wreath on the front door. These days you can purchase a plastic wreath complete with imitation snow for your front door. Available in this years decorator Christmas colours, these wreaths will stand the worst weather Mother Natures El Niño, or is it La Niña, can throw at them.
6. Fake flickering candles. The candle manufacturers have really made great strides designing candles with fake flames. They even have programmable timers that turn the fake flame off when you go to bed. Just remember: batteries are sold separately.
7. Electronic greeting cards. Go online and personalize Christmas cards that you can send by email to your friends. For some friends send them the personalized card from Russia that will hack into their computer and render it useless!
8. Aromatic room spray. Want your home to smell like gingerbread cookies fresh from the oven? Or how about pine forest scent? No problem. Imitation scents are a spray away. Why there’s even– get this– a scent free scent this year!
9. Christmas dinner. This is probably the granddaddy of Christmas traditions. Friends and family gather for low-fat, sugar-free, no lactose eggnog and low carb roasted tofu turkey served with genetically modified vegetables. Yum. Yum. Don’t forget the plum pudding– raisin free, nut free, and artificially flavoured.
10. Hostess gifts. Be sure to take a gift to those Christmas Open House parties you’re invited to– ‘chocolate like’ gluten-free kale chips are all the rage.
And there you have it. All that’s left to do is wish everyone a ‘Good old fashioned Merry Christmas!
Gary Chalk is a baby boomer enjoying retirement. He is a member of Humor Writers of America and muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press.
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