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Posted by on Nov 28, 2016 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living, Uncategorized |

Living Retired #172- November 28, 2016

Living Retired #172- November 28, 2016



I am having difficulty living with myself these days. It’s like I’m a whole new man!

Now don’t get me wrong. Like any middle age male baby boomer my wardrobe still includes relax-fit jeans. And my wife insists I should wear a nasal strip when I sleep.

It’s just that these days I have become, well… ‘Welcoming. Sophisticated. Inspiring.’

And the only thing I did was install some new light fixtures in our house. I’ll explain…

As part of my wife’s therapy following the US election, she now watches Home & Garden Television.

She is no longer a political junkie addicted to Wolf Blitzer on CNN. Instead, she is addicted to Home & Garden Television. This is the cable channel that turns your dilapidated, sad sack of a house into an architecturally pleasing home worthy of being featured on the cover of House Beautiful. All this in thirty minutes, including commercials!

All I know is that after binge watching ‘Love It Or List It’ we ended up hiking the aisles of Home Depot and Lowe’s.

Guys, I’m here to tell you that trying to keep up with your wife at Home Depot where they have ‘More Saving. More Doing’ or at Lowe’s with their ‘Never Stop Improving’ is about as much fun as trying to open those little takeout ketchup packages at McDonald’s.

My job was to push the shopping cart– you know those carts the home improvement warehouses provide. They’re the size of an 18-wheel semi Mac truck with a 2-ton load capacity.

Jan’s job was to fill the cart with decorative lighting fixtures. And she was up for the task!

We purchased ceiling fixtures with brushed nickel finish, others with bronze finish; even one with an aged bronze finish. We’ve got white glass etched lights, hurricane glass shades; even an Alabaster glass shade– whatever that is!

Of course these light fixtures require a selection of bulbs– everything from small decorative chandelier bulbs- some clear, others frosted; and standard-base bulbs in various watts. The only thing that’s consistent is that the bulbs are– here it comes– ‘Sold Separately.’

However, there is one common feature of our new lights. Big lettering on the boxes said, ‘Reflect A Home For Who You Are… Welcoming. Sophisticated. Inspiring.’

We were carrying our new purchases out to our car… and it happened! Just like that we had a spring in our step; a whole new joie de vivre…we were ‘Welcoming. Sophisticated. Inspiring.’ And broke.

I’m sure as we pulled into our driveway the neighbours peeked through their window and said, “Dear, the Chalks are home. What is it about them? They look ‘Welcoming. Sophisticated. Inspiring.”

Each of the light fixtures came with its own 28-page installation manual printed in English, Spanish and, I think, French— I couldn’t tell because none of the diagrams were people wearing berets, and eating poutine.

First thing first: I threw out all the instruction manuals because that’s what I’ve learned from my friend Rick: ‘The Home Handyman With More Tools Than Donald Trump Has Pocket Combs.’

When I got Rick: ‘The Home Handyman With More Tools Than Donald Trump Has Pocket Combs’ on the phone he said he’d be right over: “I’ll grab my 112-piece deluxe toolset, my cordless pneumatic drill with attached olive pit remover, and my new oscillating power sander with built in chai latte coffee maker. I store them downstairs on our treadmill.”

‘Rick The Home Handyman With More Tools Than Donald Trump Has Pocket Combs’ arrived at the house. The first words out of his mouth were, “You threw out the instruction manuals, right?”

Later in the day ‘Rick The Home Handyman With More Tools Than Donald Trump Has Pocket Combs’ packed up his tools and left.

And you know what happened when he arrived home? His wife said, “Dear, there’s something different about you. You’re ‘Welcoming. Sophisticated. Inspiring.”

Gary Chalk is a baby boomer enjoying retirement. He is a member of Humor Writers of America and muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.

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