Living Retired #169- November 7, 2016
One thing people never ever say to me is, “Hey, Gary what is it really like to be a humour writer?”
My wife says its little wonder, “Did you ever think that people don’t ask what it’s like to be a humour writer because humour isn’t what comes to mind when they read Living Retired!”
If someone were to ask I’d respond, “What I like most about writing Living Retired is I get to make stuff up. It’s sort of like running for President– but without having to participate in the televised debates.”
I mean in political debates you need to have expert opinions on stuff that you don’t know anything about!
While the debate drones on and on and on politicians have to be able to stand alone at the podium staring at a glass of water– and not have to go to the bathroom. Suddenly, debating trickle down economics takes on a whole new meaning!
However, what I do get asked is, “Hey, Gary does your wife read your columns?”
Of course I answer yes. She’s quick to say that when I write about topics such as decorator pillows, well, they are about as far from the truth as when Donald Trump blurts out that the Mexicans are going to pay for the wall that he’ll build!
Some Living Retired columns deal with serious matters baby boomers face— women describing Freedom 55 as when they finally say ‘Ahh to hell with it’ and show their flabby upper arms in public! Or guys carving the Thanksgiving turkey– when they present a platter of mutilated slop: dark slop at one end, white slop on the other!
A frequent question I am asked about writing Living Retired is, “Hey, Gary how do you come up with all your ideas for a new column each and every week? After all marijuana isn’t legal, yet!”
I tell people, “Hey, you’d be surprised how easy it is to come up with a steaming pile of yak dung every week.”
Here’s what I mean…
I was driving the other day– one hand on the steering wheel, listening to my playlist, talking on the cellphone and texting ‘OMG’– when all of a sudden I had a HCM: HOLY CRAP MOMENT!!!
The idiot driver in front of me wasn’t paying attention and I damn near crashed into him!
Naturally I did what any driver would do in such a situation: I gave him the finger!
Then, when it was safe– with my coffee cup secured between my legs as I turned a corner I googled: driverless cars. Based on the moron who almost crashed into me, driverless cars can’t come about soon enough.
The Living Retired column (#160) earlier this summer– you know the one about my wife and I visiting our friends cottage for the weekend– led to many comments from readers. Actually they wanted to see the pictures! This was the trip where I forgot my pyjamas– but because my wife had packed multiple pyjamas since we were staying for one night, she leant me a pair of hers. The 2-piece floral pattern with lace trim panda tee and legging kept me in bed all night long– no matter how bad I had to go to the bathroom!
I did receive a question about the Living Retired column that I wrote about a middle age man snuggling up to his wife one evening in front of the television- watching Glee and eating tofu.
If that wasn’t enough the jerk had the audacity to complain to his wife about her request for him to top up the mulch in the gardens— “Honey, make sure it’s organic bark in a blanched almond hue!
The reader asked, “Hey, Gary did that poor guy ever learn that a happy wife means a happy life?”
My answer: “Until the scars from the garden spade completely recover, I have no comment.
There’s more laughs at https://livingretired.press
Gary Chalk, a baby boomer is enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation, ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press
Gary Chalk is a member of Humor Writers of America (HA). Living Retired is also featured in After Fifty Living. Visit AfterFiftyLiving.com/activity.