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Posted by on Oct 17, 2016 in Humor, humour, Retirement humor, Retirement Humour, Retirement Living |

Living Retired #167- October 17, 2016

Living Retired #167- October 17, 2016


Today’s Living Retired is presented by ‘Dentists Income Needs Kernals- DINK.’

Quick. Name the best selling item at grocery stores in the fall?

Answer: Corn on the cob.

Can you name the second best selling item?

Answer: Dental floss.

Everyone loves corn on the cob. Ironically, it is the vegetable of choice of centenarians and young children. The common denominator is they can be teeth challenged.

If you’d like to experience how difficult it is to eat a cob of corn without your teeth– try eating it through a chain link fence!

Corn on the cob has significant health benefits– it controls diabetes, prevents heart ailments, and lowers hypotension. It also causes your physician to look at the results of your blood work, shake his head and say, “Holy crap! How much butter are you eating these days?”

Where is the best place to purchase corn on the cob?

Well, many will say you should go to a farm market– one of those roadside stands on a country road; you know the ones with the dusty gravel parking lot full of ruts.

Frequently at a farm market they will have a maze carved into the corn field. As sure as Hilary Clinton will deny knowing anything about her email servers, your kids will get lost in the corn maze. Forget about searching for them in the maze. Instead go directly to where the pigs are rolling in muck!

For convenience, many buy their corn on the cob at a grocery store– where they can also one-stop-shop for butter and salt. Experts recommend buying enough corn so that each person can have two cobs– which is a ratio of two cobs per pound of butter.

The fact of the matter is buy corn on the cob at a place where you can husk the corn before coming home. Husking corn in the kitchen is a no no. If you insist on husking inside, do it over the bedroom ensuite sink. This way the tassels can find a home with other appropriate items that clog bathroom sinks: stray hair, toothpaste tube caps… and Smart cars.

To cook your corn, first bring a pot of water to what experts call ‘a rolling boil.’ A rolling boil is what happens immediately before the water erupts overtop the pot and spills down onto the kitchen floor. At the same time, the steam sets off the smoke alarm and leads your wife to scream from the den, “Dear are you boiling corn on the cob again?”

How do you know when your corn is done? It is the minute before you suffer first degree burns to your fingers when you attempt to remove the cobs from the boiling water.

You know who’s jumping on the corn on the cob craze? Scientists.

Scientists realize that if Trump gets elected their gazillion dollar grants to research important topics affecting the human race– such as the impact of eradicating erectile disjunction would have on Super Bowl advertising– may well go the way of civility in presidential political campaigning.

This is where ‘Dentists Income Needs Kernals- DINK’ comes in….

Together with DINK, the scientists are developing genetically modified corn on the cob– similar to gummy candies. It’s called Gummy Corn.

Each cob of gummy corn will come complete with traditional factory-inserted plastic yellow corn cob holders with two galvanized stainless steel carpenters finishing nails– guaranteed to rip into your kids expensive orthodontics!

Gary Chalk, a baby boomer is enjoying retirment. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have a Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit
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Gary Chalk is a member of Humor Writers of America (HA). Living Retired is featured in After Fifty Living