Living Retired #165- October 3, 2016
HOME AGAIN.
You know the worst part about going on a vacation?
Returning home.
The luggage smashes onto the foyer floor. Your wife screams, “Dear I’m telling you for the umpteenth time DON’T drop the suitcases on the ceramic tile floor! Why do I have to mention this to you every time we come back from a vacation? Can’t you listen to me? Just once?”
There’s no time to argue. You’ve got 15 seconds to run like hell to the back door to turn the security alarm off. Or, listen to your wife on the phone explaining to the security call centre, “Yes. I’ve told him before. What can I say. He doesn’t move very fast.”
Next you do your Usain Bolt impersonation sprinting downstairs to turn the water back on!
Before you can get back upstairs to adjust the central air, your wife hollers, “Honey. It’s stifling in here! When are you going to turn the air conditioning back on?”
You haven’t been this busy since you were back at the airport– elbowing your way in front of other passengers, bodychecking them into submission at the luggage carousel!
You’ve been home maybe 10 minutes. It’s time for alcohol!
You need a drink to calm your shattered nerves. You survived a nine hour flight from Rome– which means you consumed three airline meals all from the food group: microwaved cardboard.
The other reason to throw back a couple of ‘Whew, we’re home drinks!’ is to brace yourself for what’s next…
It’s time to open the mail.
The first letter is from your credit card company.
“This is a friendly reminder that you have exceeded your credit limit. Your account has been forward to Pit Bull Collection Agency and they will be at your home soon. Thanks. Have a great day!”
The next letter is from your bank.
“This is a friendly notice that your online checking account was recently hacked by one of Donald Trumps friends in Russia. Please make arrangements to visit the bank– and bring the Deed to your house. Have a great day!”
Time to check the telephone answering machine. OMG, take a big breath…
‘You have one hundred sixty seven new messages. To listen to your new messages press 1. To hang up press 2. If you are contemplating suicide press 3 immediately.’
‘You have pressed 3: all our counsellors are busy. Please hold.’
Time for another drink; make it a double.
It can’t wait any longer: it’s time to unpack your luggage.
When you empty a man’s suitcase you will have two piles. The first pile is clothes that need to be washed. The other pile– twice as large!– consists of stolen hotel bathroom toiletries: botanical cucumber shampoos, conditioners and vitamin-rich body lotion.
On the other hand, when you empty a woman’s suitcase you will have seven piles of dirty clothes– equal to the height of the Andes Mountains. How can that be?
These seven piles need to be subdivided into 11 subsets of laundry: ‘Lights.’ ‘Darks.’ ‘Sort of Light.’ ‘Sort of Dark.’ ‘Do Not Add Chlorine.’ ‘No Rinse.’ ‘Wash By Hand.’ ‘Do Not Bleach.’ ‘Dry Clean Only.’ ‘100% Nylon Exclusive of Trim.’ And, ‘Delicate: Wash with Lanolin-enriched Concentrate with Tropical Grapefruit Oil.’
Why is there is always a power failure at home while you are away on vacation? In the kitchen you reset the clocks on the stove, the microwave, the coffee maker, the dishwasher, the refrigerator, the phone, the can opener, the knife sharpener, PLUS the digital olive pimento stuffer, and the 24- hour timer on the fake flickering candles…
Hell, by the time you set the clocks in the family room, your office, the bedrooms, and the basement– it’s November and time to start all over again and reset the clocks to Standard Time!
From the bedroom, “Dear! Can you come here. Something smells in the closet!”
Ahhh. Give me a break. Returning from a vacation is enough to make a guy drink!
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There’s more laughs at https://livingretired.press
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Gary Chalk a retired baby boomer is enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation, ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit https://livingretired.press
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BREAKING NEWS , DEVELOPING NEWS, okay…ALMOST NEWS: Gary Chalk is now a member of Humor Writers of America. Living Retired is also featured in After Fifty Living. Visit www.AfterFiftyLiving.com/activity
